The After Thought

Alexander isn't the only one who has ever had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I've never actually read the book so I can't be sure how it ends but I'm hoping mine turns around! I could make a list but that just seems inappropriate and a misuse of energy. I will reluctantly put my shoulder to the wheel or at least repeat some gay phrase like that to myself until I believe it.

On the B Side: While it may only be 12 degrees out, I am warm and cozy at home in my jammies with my moonbeams. Life really is good even when it feels terrible, horrible, no good and very bad. Carry on.

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

Why, no Heather. No, I did not. I do not eat brain tumors but I would like to obliterate one. However, I was a 'Heathers' fan in 1988 and that simply must count for something. That was before Winona Ryder was a theif and before Christian Slater got old. All of that being said, Shannen Doherty was never cool and with 2010 drawing close, she just needs to go away for good but I digress.

2 unsuccessful brain surgeries in 2001 left me a big frustrated. Tumor 2. Britta 0. Dayton was born in July 2002 so I pretty much put my tumor drama on the back burner. Turns out that was a really bad idea. Tumor 3. Britta 0. Wow. Way to rally.

It's time to deal with it again but I am just not ready to go down that path. Some times ready or not it's just important to do the right thing. So I've started the process again and remain mostly apathetic albeit annoyed when I think about it too much. I've been through all the standard garb to this point and will start my tumor town meds 12/15.

On the B Side: Cheers to doing what is right! Not doing so has put me back in the saddle and this ain't my first time at this rodeo! The lesson here folks is as Grandpa Sunshine always said, if you are going to do something, do it right the first time...now if only my surgeon had prescribed to such rhetoric. As for me, me and that MRI machine are BFF's again.

Me and Gloria

Dear Ms Gaynor, We will survive! There is a game that I can't stand. So much can I not stand it that I made it a quiet goal to beat the he** out of it...and I did but it wasn't easy and I hated it the whole time. What I hated most about this game was that I just plain sucked at it. Check out my arch nemesis / new bff to the left!

Mark on the other hand, could pick it up and whiz through it like nobodies business. He has a mind for numbers and puzzles and loves to problem solve. Me, not so much. Personally if I had a motto it would be something like, 'Just Fix It'. Not, fix it and show me how but just do it and don't hurt my head with the details.

There is a rising up within me though and I'm tired of just rolling over, putting my head in the sand and doing the Duffy. Hence began my 3 day quest to kick the crap out of it...and I did AND I proudly am the reigning champ at a whooping 37 seconds. I earned it and it feels good. Yes, it's the small victories that count! I am certain the I killed many brain cells during that process.

Something else I suck at...planks! Um yeah. If I had any muscle mass at all it might not be something I hate with all of my heart. Just as with my 15 Puzzle mad blitz, I am determined to become the master of the plank. Check out the image to the right and imagine doing that with zero muscle and a whole bunch of chub. Awesome! It's going to take far more time then my 3 obsessive days of madness that accompanied my last small victory but at some point with a while lot of effort, there will be no sad look upon my face and I will survive!

On the B Side: It feels amazing to make choices, take control and make a difference! I working out and oddly enough my least favorite part is the cardio crap. I'm learning all kinds of new things and love the sore muscles that remind me that I started the process and am making progress. Forward motion, people, forward motion!

Dear Danny

Danny is my new and super fantastic personal trainer. I wish I could afford to keep him forever. Here are the best things about him;

-He doesn't make me feel bad when I squeal (because my weak muscles hurt so good)
-He doesn't laugh when I tell him I'm sure I'm going to pee my pants (I'm certain I will be his first client to have this kind of accident)
-He doesn't mock me when my craptastic sense of balance gets the best of me (who falls that frequently? I mean really.)
-He kindly corrects me when I forget which leg I just did during lunges (multi tasking has never been my thing, people)
-He politely answers all of my uber naive inquiries (what is a lat any way and how is it related to a trap and are you really sure that I have both of those?)
-He graciously tolerates my random jibberish and frankly, I think he enjoys it

Here are the best things about joining the gym again;
-I love taking control of my life again and working hard to make a difference
-I love the daily soreness my muscles feel (it means they really do exist)
-I love getting up early and feeling productive
-I love being able to get out of the house
-The 'me time' is quietly splendid (is that selfish?)
-It really does provide me an outlet to de-stress, relax and feel good
-It makes me less tired (so weird since I am getting up at the butt crack of dawn but nonetheless true)
-While it will take me 3-4 months to see results, I AM SO EXCITED!

On the B Side: Thank you Farkus for being supportive and helping me to be able to get out and do this. It really is important to me and it feels so good!

The Big Hook Up

Dear 24 Hour Fitness,

It's been a long time. I'm sorry for being a terrible friend. I'm ready to play nice and work on our relationship. Thanks for always being there. I look forward to seeing you today.

Kind Regards,
bv

The Big Break Up

Dear Coke,

Today is the day that we're breaking up. Yup, my butt is the size of Texas and I'm finally taking control of these things. Thanks for the fun times but I'm moving on.

Respectfully (or not),
bv

Who Has Time for Details?

Mark called this morning and said, 'I know you put gas in your car last night. Good job'. I was perplexed and curious and was directed to check my text messages. This is what I found...He was kind enough to remedy the situation for me AND snap a pic. Let's face it, I was lucky to make it to a gas station. That light had been on for days. Seriously, who has time for this stuff?

On the B Side: I was on my way to a jewelry party hosted by the infamous Lizzo and I did manage to score myself a fabulous purse (that I spent a significant amount of time petting simply because I love it so much) and some killer Christmas presents! The fact of the matter is that I made it to the party and safely home (and yes, that is SNOW surrounding my big, black beast!)

Snap Shot in Time

-Dayton is 7 and is in 2nd grade. He loves to help others, is full of giggles and has a well developed sense of humor. He does great in school and loves being at HP. He's an all star reader and his teacher gave him rave reviews last week at parent/teacher conferences. He's friendly, polite and he STILL lets me cuddle him like a little guy. I'm super proud of that kid!

-Ellie is 6 and is in 1st grade. She loves to learn and is at the top of her class, which is a great feat given that she is the youngest and the smallest. She's adopted well to gluten free living and is quite the little socialite. She reads like nobodies business and recently stated that she is going to be a teacher when she grows up. I love that she is blooming all over the place!

-Kayla is 7 and is in first grade. She has transitioned really well to a new school and also attending a full day program. She has play dates at her Grandma's house with her school friends and is full of all kinds of questions around every corner. She's the quiet care giver in the family and makes sure everything is always equal and fair. She's tall and man can that girl swim!

-Adi is 15 months old. She is obsessed with putting things away and feels entitled to any and all drinks in a cup with a straw. She is a strong willed little girl with a mind of her own and walks, some times runs! Rarely does she sit still and she can always be seen toting around a stuffed animal. She loves to try to dress herself & she's just hoping to get some hair in the next 3 years!

On the B Side: Tonight Mark and I watched videos of the kids when they were little. I can't believe how much they have changed and wish I could just freeze time for a few moments...or just keep them little forever! <3

Manic Monday Mourning

Given that I have been out of the blogosphere for some time now, I was bummed this morning when I went to check out Mo's Manic Monday meme and discovered it was decommed at the end of July. Given this, I am definitely going to come up with my own little version of my first and favorite meme!

This effort is bi-fold. It will be duelly beneficial. I'm going to take Dictionary.com's word of the day, follow the Manic Monday protocol and mash it up this way. This takes it up a notch, teaches or reinforces something more academic in nature and still gives me an opty to ramble on.

Today's Word of the Day: Loquacious: very talkative

Saturday night we had the pleasure of a visit from our 6 year old neice, Cassie. Her parents were both otherwise engaged, as were her siblings. She spent a few hours with us and we had a blast! My favorite quirk about our darling little Cass is that she is quite loquacious!

She politely asked me several times what she could do to help me around the house. She pleasantly helped with the laundry and told me all kinds of stories and facts that run through the mind of a child her age. In the car she sang along to all of her favorite hip hop songs on 97.1 and explained what she thought they meant, how she knew them and always asking if it was a song that I liked.

Not only can that little girl talk, but she can very skillfully carry on a conversation and insightfully engage. I love her little loquacious nature! She is a free spirit, an independent thinker and has this beautiful little heart that loves and is concerned with others.

My favorite inquiry: Can I tell my Mom about the policemen, Aunt Britta?

On the B Side: I love the sheer innocence and marvel that envelops the mind of a child. With our children gone over the weekend, we welcomed little Miss Cassie's refreshing presence!

Don't You Think It's About Time?

It's time for people to just be nice...myself included. Can't we all just try to be a little nicer? Don't you think it's possible to live life, go throughout our days and still be nice?? What happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? What happened to common courtesy?

I pass 3 sets of crossing guards in the morning when I take the kids to school. Let it be said that I fully appreciate their duty and the role they play in the lives and safety of the children. There is one particularly serious guard...SHE IS A BEAST.

I saw her screaming at a Mom in a big blue dodge truck last week. The lady in the truck was obviously defending herself and was yelling back through the glass. The guard callously and intentionally turned her back and crassly walked out. The whole thing was real classy and such a great example for the kids. Ugh.

When I got to the next light, I saw the lady in the blue truck sobbing. It was way sad and likely ruined her day. The worst part is that it was all so totally unnecessary. I don't know exactly what happened or why these women were upset but it didn't have to be that way and made me sad. Seriously, chick was doing the girl thing trying to breath and wipe away her tears.

Since that point in time I have quietly been observing people (one of my favorite past times) and spending some time reflecting on my own thoughts and behavior. I cannot tell you the countless examples of careless and just plain rude exchanges I have witnessed. It's appalling really and makes me want to be a better person.

Being nice has nothing to do with who you are, what you do, who you are interacting with or who is present. It has everything to do with respecting others...and yourself enough to be kind, patient and courteous. Stop and think about it. Is it time to moderate yourself? There's always room for improvement and this girl is hopping on that train!

On the B Side: I will definitely be trying harder to be a little bit kinder, softer, gentler and a whole lot more patient in general. Self awareness plays a big role in all of this. Being a door mat is one thing (and certainly not the goal) but treating others like one is just plain wrong and the last thing I want to be is the reason someone else feels like that on the inside.

Remember the time...

Remember the time when I was 17 and driving to work and I was crying so hard that I didn't see that guy on a bike? Yeah, I was scared but don't worry, I pried his bike out from under my car just fine. His name was Freddy but all his friends called him 'Spazz'.

Remember the time when Ellie was 3 weeks old and I left her for the first time and my car broke down in the middle of the intersection of State and 3900 S? I was crying that time too AND I started to lactate. That was awesome, I was sad and my car was big time out of gas.

Remember the time that I was undecided about the H1N1 vaccine and whether or not I should give it to my children? Ultimately I climbed down off of my fence and frankly, it just feels good to make a decision. The children were brave and now are vaccinated and this Mom feels at peace.

Remember the time that I stopped blogging because I was all over the map on the inside? There's only so much a girl can do to conceal that garbage and putting any type of coherent thought on the internet during that time is not one of them. It's been a while and I've just accepted that I'm a work in progress.

On the B Side: Life is good. This girl right here has tons to be thankful for and today this girl...she *feels* it.

Is there really anything wrong with this?

Less Than Fabulous Friday

While is it not techinically Friday due to the late hour, I was sadly disappointed throughout the day. There are a handful of insigificant let downs but here are the highlights;

• One of my friends and his wife lost their 6 month old baby very unexpectedly. The viewing is down town Sunday. No idea what to do or say.
• My pal Michelle's MS is back in full force and no doubt she is feeling weak, overwhelmed and angry. It's been aggressive and pushed the limits of her physical body many times.
• I spent the evening in the ER with poor Shell. Her kidneys have been testing her mortality since April and there doesn't appear to be any sign of letting up.
• The doc called and Ellie's bloodwork surprisingly came back to indicate that she has Celiac's disease, which runs in my family. She has a less than exciting GI appt in her near future.
• My work trip to Cali in Sept was pushed back to October, which had best not screw up my plans, kids schedules, etc.

To counter my craptastic list I am forcing myself to write an equal list of positive things.

• The kids transistioned very nicely back to their Dad and Mommy Amy. The new schedule appears to be a success.
• Dayton's VIP presentation today was fabulous and flawless. He is so grown up and damn cute!
• Ellie didn't have any issues at school today and that always makes the world a better place.
• The garbage man came...our can was full of 2 weeks worth of overflowing stinky crud.
• The cat has not messed in the house and it's been a month. Go Mighty Mittens! (her alter ego is Kiki just in case you were confused)

On the B Side: There is always plenty to be thankful for and you never have to look very far in order to see just how blessed you are. Some times I just don't want to look. Some times I just want to rest my mind and feel whatever I'm feeling and not feel guilty. I'm not going to lie though, after my work day was done, I went for some non-english speaking loving and got a pedi!!!

Friday's Fab Five

1. I get my kidlets back today! I miss my little turkey sandwiches and can't wait to pick them up from school!!!!!!

2. Carpet AND couches...I almost feel like a real girl! The house is coming along nicely and it feels soooooo good!

3. I am tripping back to PA for my little quasi sister's wedding. She is coming down the isle to Tesla's 'Love Song' and it's going to be ROCKIN!!!! Hang onto your hat, Adi....you have no idea how much fun we're going to have!

4. Working from home is far more fantabulous then I knew. I was way nervous and very much enjoy the commute down the steps IN MY JAMMIES!

5. We are going to see Cirque du Soleil tomorrow...can I just close my eyes and dream of everything French?! C'est magnifique!

On the B Side: My crazy life is full of ups and downs and I'm trying very strategically to enjoy the moments and not get overwhelmed. Adi had her first b day, Dayton started 2nd grade and Ellie started 1st. There have been tons of changes and I'm learning to accept a lot of things lately. Despite the tears that always come....I WILL SURVIVE (me and Gloria G!) Now get outta my way because if you ain't part of the solution then you are part of the problem!

Moonbeaming

Tonight I giggled. I love giggling. Giggling is so very Britta. It happens over the senseless stuff and likely makes me a simpleton. I am truly 18 forever at heart and some times I digress and hit closer to 10 or 11 years old!

The children and I are settling nicely into our home. We have a home again! The kids have been excited and are all about helping. They have been getting a long great with the exception of random time outs for senseless little frustrations. Tonight I was doing a second sweep of the weeds in the front yard. Rather than piling them up I was just pulling them haphazardly and tossing them without thought or regard.

In an effort to earn some more cash, the kids quickly agreed to pick them all up. What cracked me up was their different strategies. Ellie set right to work. She did not want to waste any time. She was really quick but a little sloppy because of it. She picked up a large amount of weeds this way and was very proud of herself.

Dayton on the other hand ran into the house to get a plastic bag. He was frustrated that Ellie got a leg up but he was also able to gather up a great deal of weeds. He was much more thorough and even pulled a few weeds that I had missed. He was so methodical and stuck to his plan. It worked.

I laughed to myself and then outloud as I quietly watched them set to work. They completed the task though the means to the end was so different for them and reflected their little personalities! Ellie is impulsive and moves fast in both body and mind. She doesn't like to waste time and is very determined. Dayton is more strategic and likes to think things through. He's very rational and likes to do things right and to completion. I love both of their little personalities so much!

On the B Side: It's crazy to me how inherent their little personalities are. As parents we think we have all of this control and influence over them (and to some extent we do) but they each come with their very own little pre-packaged personalities! I also love that my moonbeams are so willing to help out!

Keep Her

This whole process of change is so uncomfortable. In it, I have been able to do quite a bit of thinking and while the dust is far from settled I am slowly piecing my thoughts, experiences and ideas together. I've decided that I DON'T WANT HER BACK. Keep her.

Some times I think it is easy to look back longingly on what was...so much that you end up thinking that it was so much greater than the here and now. While I was studying for my Masters at the UoU (that I WILL some day finish) there was a theory we dissected and I can't for the life of me remember what it was called but in a rumbly stumbly nut shell it is this;

When someone dies, it is easy to glorify them. It's human nature to take the best elements of who they were and make them even greater in our minds. We look back lovingly. People and things seem so big and so wonderful from this perspective. While this is a nice way of remembering someone or something, it isn't necessarily an honest or realistic portrayal. There is good and bad everywhere and it's easy to look back and unknowingly remember the good (and make it so much bigger) without recalling much or any of the bad...or how it felt.

I'm expanding on this theory (though it won't get me that degree just yet) The fact of the matter is that whatever has happened to you and whoever you are now is a culmination of the past. In the midst of my struggles I have looked back upon times in my life that seemed peaceful, stress-free and generally just happy-feel-good-times. The fact of the matter is that those times and circumstances existed but I was never free from trial. There were always challenges and there always will be. Nobody and no time period is exempt from struggle. It's part of learning and growing...it's called life. Why is it so easy to see the good and forget the bad?

Perhaps it is a coping mechanism because it feels safe or perhaps it offers some kind of hope during difficult times. I don't have the answers but in the course of my thinking I have decided that I want to take the parts of my Britta that I love and I want to build upon them...but I'm not looking to being the person I was or thought I was any more. I want an evolved, bigger, better, stronger Britta going forward. It's a process and I welcome the evolution...mostly!

On the B Side: I have an entire day to myself. I am loving the sunshine and only wish I could be in it. I am enjoying having all of the windows open allowing the natural light and cool breeze to grace me as I slowly get organized...at HOME. So yeah, who ever she was...I hope she was good to you but you can keep her. Prepare yourself because this Britta is slowly coming into her power (thanks Pants...I do so love you!) Watch it!!

Odd to Ellers

Spoken with a great deal of passion and enthusiasm...

"Are you ready America? We're going to celebrate your birthday!"

She then busted out with a heart felt round of the Star Spangled Banner.

On the B Side: Oh how I LOVE THAT GIRL! ♥ ♥ ♥

Swift Kick to the Kimmy

So close yet so far away. Keep in mind that while I am a girl, I do not typically break down and I do not cry regularly. All things said, I have been holding up and managing quite nicely despite the recent challenges. Touche!

Yesterday was a huge milestone for me. Mark and I have been separated for over a month now. 6/29 marked the last day at the office for me for the luxurious space of 2 weeks. Originally we had planned to be in PA...home sweet home. Given the changes in our lives it worked out that I will be cleaning, packing, moving, unpacking and settling during this time frame. Normally I would beg and plead for a trip home and look back longingly feeling bad that I couldn't be there but this time around the move actually represents living again...having a life, providing security and being with my children once more. So there is no way to feel bad about it...or is there?

OH MY HELL. 6/28 came and I was able to get back into our home grace a les tenants. They had vacated the property and I braced myself. Kougy and her Jason graciously provided me with a fridge...at the drop of a hat and even delivered the sucker. I am one lucky girl. I know this and I love them. I quickly went through the house...wondered why the windows were open but whatever. I.DID.NOT.CRY.(except for maybe when Koug in her mountain mama shirt hugged me on the front lawn but thankfully she wasn't driving the Subaru this day so the neighbors suspect nothing!!!)

Enter 6/29. I picked up the kids so they could go see the house. Mark had stopped by and closed all the windows the night before...we opened the door from the garage AND I THREW UP A LOT IN MY MOUTH. Okay, not really but if my lungs weren't burning from the PEE FEST I may have puked. It was liked someone gave me a swift kick in the kimmy and wrung all of the air out of my lungs. The smell was overwhelming. Disgusting. Fowl. Wrong. I tried, I really did. I tried not to cry. The kids were there and they were excited and I didn't want to ruin it. I quickly walked them to their rooms so they could see and possibly remember and then I quickly herded them out. Tear threat level was red hot at this point.

I got my small tribe back into the car, buckled them all in, put my sunglasses on to hide the nuclear meltdown that was about to occur and turned on the music in a last ditch effort to conceal my mounting emotional outpour.

The urine is gross. The fact that our tenants lived in it for two years is grosser than gross. The fact that it...THEY stole and delayed my life, squashed my security and infuriated mewas more than I could handle. I have been living in transition for too many weeks. I will spare the details, not because my glass is half full or because my glasses are rosey but for the sake of complaining just a little bit less.

Enter BaFarky. Yes, Marky Mark saved the whole day and I didn't have to ask. Larger then life. It didn't matter that we are separated or that we struggle. What mattered to him during those moments is that I was a pile of tears and without any forethought he raced to our rescue. He immediately put a plan together...which is far more than I was capable of at that point. He spent many late hours tearing the urine infested carpet and padding out of a home that he is not moving into with us. He made the arrangements to have new carpet immediately installed and worked out a way to pay for it. My head is still spinning by the outpouring of his selfless effort.

I dropped off dinner to him and cried as I drove back to my Mom's. I was touched. humbled. grateful. In the most unlikely of circumstances he did the most unlikely series of acts of kindness. Regardless of what is or isn't, I know that I was blessed and it was Mark who quietly and without any agenda carried me through this evening...and likely without knowing it.

On the b Side: This is the Reader's Digest version but you get the jist. I woke up today excited and refreshed. I feel the love and support of so many people and some who are of the most unlikely. As I type and sift through the random stream of thoughts in my mind now, I can feel the tears race down my cheeks as my heart overflows. I am beyond lucky and if feeling this way means taking a swift one every so often then bring it on. Yes, apparently I really do cry a lot and today it feels fabulous. Now please excuse me while I go enjoy Day 1 of my vay-cay and cut some more fresh strawberries!

p.s. It is note worthy that while your tenants may make timely payments does NOT mean that their damn yappy dog is not destroying your home.

7 Has Never Felt So Lucky...

Oddly enough and out of the blue, a warm and peaceful calm has graced me for the past two days. I don't feel quite as sad or agitated. My anxiety has been curbed and I don't feel overwhelmed. I can't quite put my finger on what is different but it's a nice break from the waves of sheer emotion that have enveloped me, knocked me down and beat me up over the past few weeks. I can breath and it feels nice. I like the simplicity of it and I don't feel myself anticipating the worst or bracing for the next storm...which always comes...no matter who you are or what your circumstance.

7 days until Dayton turns 7
7 days until I relocate my laundry basket for good
7 days until I work full time remote from home
7 days until I have 2 weeks off

On the B Side: I don't *feel* like I'm pushing through the next 7 days. I feel a sense of relief. There is a light in this tunnel though I am sure I am far from the end of it...but the light lifts my spirit and makes me feel stronger. I am starting to feel more focused and there is a sense of control building slowly. Ladies and Gents, 7 is very lucky and has never been so good!

Manic Monday: POP!

Manic Monday and I never broke up. The reality here is that we took a break. All the cool kids are doing it! To join the fun click here. A big, huge thank you to MO! Today's word is POP!

Life gets pretty jammed packed full of stuff. By stuff I mean circumstance, challenges, stress...that kind of thing. There are days when it is overwhelming and I feel like I am going to POP!

I'm kind of done with the girl that feels that way though. I am where I am supposed to be and talk myself through this (yes, outloud!) every day. I can slowly feel the strength that comes with taking a step back, working through it in my mind and not feeling like I have to do/fix it all RIGHT NOW. Baby steps, one step at a time. Britters will not POP...unless she refuses to give up chips and salsa...and phase II of the diet starts today so POP off!

On the B Side: Progress is good. Forward motion feels good. My Britta is slowly getting her groove on...aw yeah, sucka!

11 Months and Counting!

Not only is this my 360th post but so much importantly, today is the 11 month mark for the arrival of our little Bubby into our world! That's right 11 months ago today was a Saturday morning and I was at IMC Hospital in SLC. Clancy had driven down in the middle of the night Friday to be there for our special day. She was my trusted confidante and I can still see her sitting across the labor room putting make up on and just being fabulous before go time. Having her there was such a safety for me. She was a presence of peace in my about to change world.

She ushered and welcomed our little Adalie into this world and I couldn't have imagined doing it without her! She bravely held my left leg and made sure she stayed connected with my eyes as I pushed through some difficult moments. Clancy Pants, I do so love you.

I don't have my camera with me at my Mom's or I would proudly post some killer pics of our Adalie Elizabeth. She is one serious ham and does so love attention. She is the happiest little gal and has a personality the size of third world country (a really big one!). She is steady on her feet and doesn't quit moving. She can walk 5-6 steps at a time and is an independent little sucker.

She has 4 teeth; 2on the bottom and 2 on the top. Her Dad calls her 'Sponge Bob' because you could seriously pack a semi between her two front teeth...and it's adorable! She has a fluffy tad bit of hair up top and little dimpled knuckles. She loves to be held but only for a few brief moments. She will eat just about anything including asparagus, steak, salad...you name it!

She finally sleeps like a champ and looks awesome with her cute toe nails painted! She loves to take a bath and has a special talent for mimicing sounds. She loves to play patty cake and is beyond precious when she pretends to take a rest and buries her head! Happy 11 Months to my pretty little girl!

On the B Side: Despite the challenging circumstances, I wouldn't take any of it back...not for a moment simply because Bubby makes it all so worth it. Yes, she really is that amazing and we do so love her! xoxo

My Moonbeams

I know, I know. I'm completely partial but they are beyond darling! What's not to love?! Dayton will be 7 in less than 2 weeks and shortly after that our little Bubby will be 1 (don't have my camera but will grace my blog with her later). Dayton will start 2nd grade at the end of July. Ellie will start 1st and then she will quickly turn 6. Time is precious and it moves very, very quickly.

It's so much easier to move forward knowing that their bright and smiley faces are quietly cheering me on without even trying! They make me laugh and each day is more wonderful because of my 3 children. Tonight Bubby and I are headed with the girls up North to a surprise party and I'm looking forward to getting just a little bit closer to the Britta. Time to get out again and shake it up a little!

On the B Side: I have determined that while I may not be able to control my emotions, I can control my mind. I am taking the steps to get my thoughts in order as to gain a strong stance and push past the crud that has become my funk and subsequently taken me from me.

The Edge

I want it back! I want to be the feisty girl again with fire in her eyes. I want to drive that train...effortlessly. No more making decisions out of fear. No more allowing the fear to be this paralyzing force in my life as I am NOT the deer in the headlights. I am NOT willing to give myself up anymore. I'm done tolerating disrespect on any level and my own self worth is now governing my decisions...and it feels good...it feels real. It will take some time but I can feel my thoughts coming together and and the strength that I feel as a result is very empowering.

Staying with my Mom definitely is a surreal reality. I am the Queen B here. I am 'Britta babe' in every sense in their home. My Step Dad Michael insists on making my bed everyday. Nice. He does all of my laundry. Thank you, thank you very much. He is adamant that he cook a big dinner each night. No really. Last night was grilled London broil with fresh green beans cooked in olive oil along with some speciality bread that was TO DIE FOR. Each morning my Mom invites me down stairs and plays dress up with all of her fabulous jewelry. Nothing screams femininity like accessorizing with her expensive taste. Well, if she insists!

They constantly help with the kids and do things like clean out my car and call me 'Dolla'. I feel refreshingly light and its delightful really. They leave the windows open at night so the fresh air is constant and such a small way to keep it simple. I am a lucky girl and very well loved! Right now I am going to allow it and en joy it until my footing feels more sure. On the 1st of July the children and I will be moving back into our home in WJ and life will normalize and I really am looking forward to it. At that point in time I will be working full time from home after a two week vacation from the office.

On the B Side: Life is good and I am taking the reins again. I don't want to feel so uncertain and I'm squashing the fear in me. This is a slow win but I assure you that I WILL win. Today my song is by Scissor Sisters. 'Filthy Gorgeous' is propelling me to get my Britta on and it totally makes me laugh. The edge...that 'je ne sais quoi' will be mine once more!!!

Is this OJ Concentrated?

It comes fast when the rush hits. It happens frequently and though I know the triggers vary, the rush is very real and always catches me off guard. I can FEEL it and it consumes me quickly like a wave knocking me off of my feet while standing on unsturdy ground in the sand. The rush of emotion enveloped me today and there is no way to stop it, push it away or even ignore it. I hate when it happens in public. My chest pounds and throat gets painfully tight. I can hear my heart beating and I can feel the pulsations from my heart in my neck. My eyes well up passed the brimming point and the tears fall uncontrollably.

This isn't about anxiety and it's not any kind of attack. It is a rush of sheer, pure undiluted emotion that overwhelms me and is tangible throughout its duration. It passes quickly and my mind remains oddly very clear during this time. I am able to function...I just can't control it. There is no sobbing or dramatics. It's just a wave of intense emotion that leaves me in a pile of tears, completely exhausted and feeling hopeless. The residual is the part that I hate the most. What is wrong with me? Why does life feel so overwhelming and crushing during some moments?

On the B Side: Again, I am happy...elated not to be numb but desire balance and control. The song 'As the Rush Comes' by Motorcycle speaks volumes to me today.

Dark Chocolate

There are few things that I love in this world more than the bitter sweet crunch of dark chocolate. While spending time in Belgium, I grew a rather snobbish affinity for the really good stuff. At this point in my life am I really relying on the bitter sweet wanna be goodness of semi sweet chocolate chips from the grocery store simply because Leonida's is so far out of my reach?? This is a journey, my journey and I have not lost my taste or longing for the good things in this life.

My life does feel rather full of extremes now so the dark chocolate analogy fits in rather quaintly and feels appropo. The whole bitter sweet deal along with the really amazing stuff that I have tasted in the past compared to the simplicity that I now live and *try* to enjoy despite my longing for what I once knew (and no, I told you...I don't keep that stuff under my pillow anymore and I'm sticking to my guns!!).

My emotions are something that even make me marvel...and not necessarily in a good way. They are extremely raw and at the surface...or buried deep down allowing me to be disconnected and pain free. I'm sure it's a coping mechanism on some level and right now I don't mind. I don't want to be numb and I love to feel...it's just that some times it feels overwhelming. There doesn't seem to be much moderation and I'm sure if you have spent any time with me at all you have noticed this in me. Work in progress, right here.

So if my bitter sweet crunch has impacted you in some way, I do apologize. I'm working on being more aware of how I feel, what I am feeling, the triggers and causes behind it all and moderating it all within myself. My key words lately at work and home are preparation, precision and polish. I repeat them to myself everyday many times throughout the day. Just call me Rain Man.

I feel so much better and so closer to the essence of Britta when I have planned ahead even on a simple level and am prepared. For a long time now I have frozen myself with fear. I haven't wanted to plan ahead or commit. I've been scared to fail or do things wrong or make a mess and so I have avoided really preparing and denied the boy scout in me who once was always prepared! This seems like it should be easy but Mark will tell you what a huge boon this has become for me. I'm ready to tackle the indecision and slowly climb down from my fences...one day at a time and one fence at a time.

I am done settling. I want precision and if it isn't what I want, then I don't want it and I hope that doesn't make me a snob but rather a girl filtering out the noise. I want to be done feeling bad about the choices I don't make. I once was a girl who was willing to make choices, make things right, get exactly what she wanted because it was important and not compromise. I kind of like that girl and her strong will so I'm working on making nice with her again and not feeling bad about it. There are things in this life that I do want and I'm ready to start chasing them down.

Polish...the sparkly shiny goodness in life. I'm talking about the Laffy Taffy with the the red glitter sprinkles on it here people...I don't want the plain stuff anymore. I've never been a plain kind of girly. I want the essence along with all the quirks and nuances that make me, me back. It's about capitalizing on who I am and embracing it rather than feeling bad. I feel like I use to sparkle and shine as an individual in my own Britta way and I really want that back. This one is going to take some time but should come easy once I get my heart and my mind in sync and in the right place. Congruence.

On the B Side: While my thoughts are random and streaming, it is huge that I am getting them out there and at least providing some clarity to myself. I am trying to embrace the bitter sweet crunch that each day brings, recognize and appreciate things for what they are, learn from it all and move forward. I'm a Leonida's girl at heart and I'm done settling for good-enough-right-now! Done and done.

Far

Why is it so easy to get far from one's self? The time passes so quickly and you find yourself doing the things you have to do and then the remaining time is at a premium. So little is left to do what you want to do and really unless you REALLY want to do something and schedule to do it ahead of time, let's face it...you probably aren't going to do it.

Life isn't supposed to just happen. It's meant to be lived, loved and enjoyed. There are all kinds of moments and lately the ones that seem to make you grow the most are stacking up against me. I find myself struggling with things I didn't deem hard in the past. I find myself going through the motions but not really gaining any ground. Disconnected.

In the mix of it all I got lost. It's like I was on auto pilot...doing the things that I had to do but not really taking time to think. I feel like I haven't taken time to stop, look around and think ahead. Planning and preparation were born out of necessity and exhausted on simple tasks related to daily needs.

I don't need to be Super Mom. I don't want to be Utah Mom. I just want to be able to love, care, nurture and protect my children. I want to be an example and teach them about the things that matter most. Some how I have to fit a full time job in there along with a titch of sleep and maybe even soms down time. I have no idea how people do this but I am hell bent determined to figure it out...just not tonight.

On the B Side: The journey of one thousand steps starts with the first step. That first step is now behind me along with a couple of others. Slow and steady will be my pace and I promise that I will quit complaining...that's the next step!

Laundry Basket Relocation

Today I am relocating the laundry basket filled with my life. My life fits neatly in the laundry basket though pieces of it remain at home with Mark, scattered at my Mom's and all over the inside of my tank. I really do feel homeless...oh wait, I am.

I've been house/pet sitting for a good friend and am now headed back to my Mom's. While I typically do not have a problem being alone, the time and space to myself this time around has not been good for my head. I've had way too much time to think, re-think, evaluate, re-evaluate and get lost in my own life. It has been nice to be so close to my kids. It's already June 16th which means that two weeks from today the tenants are scheduled to vacate our property and two weeks from tomorrow the children and I will clean our little hearts out and prepare to stabilize our life once more.

I got my nails done yesterday in an effort to make myself feel better...didn't really work but I have given up trying to eat my emotions (me and the chocolate chips really did break up). Tonight I have the kids and I'm excited to spend time with them. I have two surprise parties to attend this weekend, so that will be fun and hopefully keep me busy. Again, I just want the time to pass quickly this week.

On the B Side: At some point I will have to quit wishing time away. As for now I am restless and don't feel too bad about it!

Leave Your Baggage at the Door

If only it were that easy, right? Today seemed like a good day. I thought I was coping. It's sad that a few meaningless events can so quickly alter my mood. I thought of my Wih tonight and cried knowing she lives so far away. No matter how I try to push it all away, there are just times when the emotions are overwhelming and I feel small. Tonight I feel lost in my own world and uncomfortable in my own skin. While I can think myself through it mentally, I can't seem to push myself past it emotionally. Dang, just when I had finally stopped sleeping with the chocolate chips under my pillow, too!!!!

On the B Side: I know that we all struggle and I do know that this will pass. Between now and then though feels eternal and my mind is not spotless.

I said SHUSH girl!

There are three girls in our family *myself not included* that chatter endlessly. There are rare moments of silence through the giggles and nonsense. 3Oh3! sings a song called, 'Don't Trust Me' and it's been hitting the air waves rather frequently as of late. There are time when I want to bust out these lyrics on our little chatty patties but as a mother desperately seeking to set an example, I wouldn't pull such a stunt. They can talk their little hearts out all they want!

Unfortunately the kids have caught the lyrics in this song;

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller
And talk with your hips

Ellie has commented that the boy singing this song is naughty and should not be 'shushing' anybody! That's my girl!!!! Kayla on the other hand has inadvertently replaced 'Helen Keller' with 'Hokey Pokey' and it's pretty giggle inducing!

At any rate, it's made me much more mindful of what is playing in the car. They do pick up everything and they do process it...no matter how much they are chattering away at the time. They don't miss a beat and it's a strong reminder how how I want to live my life...so that theirs is the best it can be.

On the B Side: Ellie can bust through The Yeah Yeah Yeah's 'Zero' anytime she wants! She's got all the lyrics down and that is our theme for the summer. Thanks Shell! xoxo

Boop!

Yup, it rhymes with poop and has nothing to do with Betty Boop. Today I was reminded of simpler times. I smiled thinking back upon such nonsense and remember laughing so hard it hurt. Tonight Mark and I scheduled to spend some time together. The sun finally peaked through the rain (suddenly SLC has morphed into Seattle and I'm a huge fan!) and we went on a long walk. We talked casually and addressed some important issues as well. It was productive and felt good. He did bring up a moment in time that I had forgotten.

Back in the Spring of 2005 Mark was working feverishly to remodel the inside of his home. He had built the home originally and it was 3 years hold. He spent a lot of time, energy and sleepless nights making changes to the inside of it. While we were not yet married, my kids and I spent a lot of time with he and Kayla there during the day on weekends. At the time Ellie was 3 years old and Dayton and Kayla were each 4 years old. To keep them busy that Spring we colored Easter eggs...a lot of them and with great frequency. It kept them busy and I loved it as much as they did!

Needless to say, I had stocked up on supplies and many weeks after Easter we were still coloring, hiding and finding eggs for fun while Mark worked his heart out on the house. One sunshiny Saturday the kids and I did our egg thing outside. We had three dozen eggs and hid and re-hid the eggs after coloring them out in the back yard for the majority of the afternoon. None of us ever tired of it and the excitement seemed endless. Unfortunately the eggs never lasted as long as we would have liked. They always began to crack and fall apart and the kids always hated that part...which in turn made me sad because I hated that they hated it.

So in a ditch effort to keep things fun, light hearted and not inevitably sad, boop was born. We began throwing the eggs at each other and laughing endlessly. Each time you hit someone with an egg or a piece of an egg you yelled, BOOP. We didn't have to speak the rules in between giggles...we all just got it and enjoyed it. Our laughter was loud and heartfelt. The yard was covered with colorful shell shards and hard-boiled egg pieces that got smaller and smaller with each boop. The more we did it, the more we laughed and the more ridiculous it became. It reached a point where we were grabbing the pieces and shoving them down each other's shirts and pants in sheer silliness...we were all covered and we all wreaked but that was so unimportant.

Little did we realize, we had pulled an audience of neighbors. While the yard is fenced in, it did not prevent puzzled onlookers from gawking at us. What was once the quiet house of a hard working 23 year old bachelor was now evolving into a home filled with love and endless laughter. Mark will admit that this first eternal round of boop very much embarrassed him but I can assure you that even after he pointed out the voyeurs around us, it made very little difference to myself or the children (and it stopped no one from watching). We carried on with our nonsense and even made a game out of cleaning up the yard afterwards...only to play boop again the following weekend with no regard to who may or may not be watching.

While it seems rather simple and albeit retarded, there were memories made and our heart connected as we began to blend our lives together. In hindsight, even Mark will admit that boop was awesome! As we walked and talked about this tonight, I was reminded of the simple things in my life to be grateful for despite the difficult circumstances. Here's a small list in random mind streaming order;

1. While I do not have Dayton and Ellie with me this month, they are loved and well cared for. Their Father and Step Mom love them very much and have stepped in and provided much needed security and I couldn't ask for any thing more. There are no games, issues or manipulations...just a small group of people who love two children very much and are willing to do whatever is best for them each and every time.

2. Old friends...Cakes, your email entitled, 'My Heart is Your Heart' made all the difference to me and could not have arrived at a better time. I love you dearly and as I read it, I can picture you all over again sitting in the room at the hospital after I woke up some time after one of my brain surgeries. Thank you all over again for your loving support. Your friendship is priceless and I owe you some yellow yarn!

3. My personal on call therapist...Dad, your love and support are what has gotten and continues to push me to bigger and better things. I don't know that I would have the desire to pick myself up quite so often (or at all on some days) without you. Everything is brighter with you and with the insight and clarity that you so eagerly and effortlessly supply. I have no idea what I would do with out you so tell the lyme disease to BACK OFF because nobody puts my Dad in the corner!

4. New Friends...Jennifer, thank you for helping me to remember the 'essence' of who I am. Your words have lifted my heart on many occasions and so unexpectedly. You have a special talent, a cherished gift to extend yourself and your heart to others and seek nothing in return. Kristin, your phone call yesterday made all of the difference. I think so often that people don't know what to say and so they don't say anything and it's as though it isn't happening but it really is...reaching out to me in such a personal and caring way touched me during a difficult time on a difficult day.

5. Could my baby be any more perfect? The answer, I assure you is no. Bubby is the best baby and her timing is impeccable. Her smiles are so easily offered and come with such great love. Her expressions are full of animation and her curiosity always makes me laugh outloud. That girl is all love, warmth and everything wonderful. She's easy to please, easy to care for and ever so easy to love...and we all do love her so...despite all the challenges we now face we wouldn't change a thing simply because she makes it all so worth it.

On the B Side: There are so many other things that I am grateful for. I have been blessed, loved and cared for by so many. It is ironic that many times in the past I have always been able to fake-it-until-I make-it and without missing too many beats, if any at all. At this point in my life, I can't pull of even a few brief moments of smiles if it isn't what I am really feeling. There are time when without warning the tears just won't stop. It's never the dramatic sobbing, just quiet tears that won't quit and I never know when they are going to hit. My face gives it all away every time and while I struggled with it, hating it and cursing myself I have decided that the solution is to fix up the inside so that there isn't anything to hide or hurt. Here's to redefining my Britta...and I'm starting by bringing boop back!

Doing the Duffy?

Growing up we had a dog named Duffy. He wasn't necessarily the smartest or even the cutest but he was ours, we made lots of great memories with him and he was always loved. He had a bad habit of running away. Often times he would run to the corner of my Grandparents property. While we could maintain a complete visual of him there and holler for him while he was in ear shot to come back, Duffy did a trick. He would put his head down and in his little canine mind, if he wasn't making eye contact...he couldn't be seen. That's right folks, he was certain that we could not see his black and white freckled self.

While I would love for his dear theory to be true, such is not the case in life. Next topic.

One of the few things that is truly constant in this life is change. Change comes in many forms and can be both positive and/or negative. It isn't always comfortable but it becomes what you make it. How you adjust and adapt to it makes all of the difference coupled with how you perceive it. Broken down...how do you see your glass? Is it half empty? Is it half full? Some times it just feels like the glass is an intangible metaphysical concept used to overly simplify complicated situations. I don't really want to analyze it anymore.

Right now I don't feel like describing my glass. I don't want to look at it and I don't want to think about it. Next topic.

I am done putting my head down and not making eye contact. My reality is such that a great deal of change has taken place and while I'm not to a point where I am fully embracing it, I am far from the femme fatale cursing it and plotting against reality. Some times life isn't about being half full or half empty. Some times it isn't about right or wrong. Some times it really is about what is best. Some times it is about taking action to cause change for the purpose of making things better.

What I am trying to say is that life is hard. It's that way for everyone and none of us are exempt. It's no secret anymore that Mark and I have separated and are trying to figure out what is best for our little family. I cry a lot, feel so far from myself, resist/accept the change in cycles but ultimately Mark and I stand in agreement that despite that fact that this is really hard, it is best. It almost feels a little less secretive by putting it out there but it also makes it more real and makes me want to put my head down and avert my eyes all over again. {Insert tears here}

For those of you who have stood by me and continually stand along side of me, thank you. Your presence and support are priceless, invaluable and mean the world to me. I am thankful that Mark also has a support system of his own. We're done doing Duffy's trick and are ready to take this head on together while apart for the sake of the greater good. I know it's uncomfortable and for that I am sorry. Nobody has to say anything, just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. End of story.

Giggle Boxing

Today I awoke to the sound of the kids giggling in their room. They were playing well and carrying on the funniest conversations. Dayton came out to ask me if I could, 'whip up some popcorn'. His favorite food is popcorn...with loads of butter! He takes after his Grandpa John and while the popcorn kills my stomach but I say that I do indulge more than I should! I did receive a case as part of a Mother's Day gift so it's been a good excuse ;)

On the B Side: I love when the kids get along well and enjoy life together. Even as little people they tend to worry quite a bit and I don't want them to miss out on a thing. I want their childhood to be filled with whimsy and magic so that no matter what happens and no matter where life takes us they will always be able to look back and smile. xoxo

Friday's Fab Five...5 Hours Early!

Here is Harley and if you look in the background you can see Lilly's reflection in the glass! One would not be complete without the other.

Our 4 monkeys in their jammmies before bed...all smiles and yes Adi is in the baby doll stroller. Don't ask because that is the least of their antics!
Kayla Bug swimming in the tub! She's sporting her new suit this season. Adi fresh and clean albeit a little blurry! How much do I love the smell of a clean baby?!
Dayton and Ellie outside at my Mom's. Ellie is true to form and Dayton is consistently cute...and I am consistently biased.

On the B Side: How f'amazing is it that I'm posting early?! I took a huge hit today and am trying to make myself feel just a little better if not just occupied. Happy-almost-weekend!