11 Months and Counting!

Not only is this my 360th post but so much importantly, today is the 11 month mark for the arrival of our little Bubby into our world! That's right 11 months ago today was a Saturday morning and I was at IMC Hospital in SLC. Clancy had driven down in the middle of the night Friday to be there for our special day. She was my trusted confidante and I can still see her sitting across the labor room putting make up on and just being fabulous before go time. Having her there was such a safety for me. She was a presence of peace in my about to change world.

She ushered and welcomed our little Adalie into this world and I couldn't have imagined doing it without her! She bravely held my left leg and made sure she stayed connected with my eyes as I pushed through some difficult moments. Clancy Pants, I do so love you.

I don't have my camera with me at my Mom's or I would proudly post some killer pics of our Adalie Elizabeth. She is one serious ham and does so love attention. She is the happiest little gal and has a personality the size of third world country (a really big one!). She is steady on her feet and doesn't quit moving. She can walk 5-6 steps at a time and is an independent little sucker.

She has 4 teeth; 2on the bottom and 2 on the top. Her Dad calls her 'Sponge Bob' because you could seriously pack a semi between her two front teeth...and it's adorable! She has a fluffy tad bit of hair up top and little dimpled knuckles. She loves to be held but only for a few brief moments. She will eat just about anything including asparagus, steak, salad...you name it!

She finally sleeps like a champ and looks awesome with her cute toe nails painted! She loves to take a bath and has a special talent for mimicing sounds. She loves to play patty cake and is beyond precious when she pretends to take a rest and buries her head! Happy 11 Months to my pretty little girl!

On the B Side: Despite the challenging circumstances, I wouldn't take any of it back...not for a moment simply because Bubby makes it all so worth it. Yes, she really is that amazing and we do so love her! xoxo

My Moonbeams

I know, I know. I'm completely partial but they are beyond darling! What's not to love?! Dayton will be 7 in less than 2 weeks and shortly after that our little Bubby will be 1 (don't have my camera but will grace my blog with her later). Dayton will start 2nd grade at the end of July. Ellie will start 1st and then she will quickly turn 6. Time is precious and it moves very, very quickly.

It's so much easier to move forward knowing that their bright and smiley faces are quietly cheering me on without even trying! They make me laugh and each day is more wonderful because of my 3 children. Tonight Bubby and I are headed with the girls up North to a surprise party and I'm looking forward to getting just a little bit closer to the Britta. Time to get out again and shake it up a little!

On the B Side: I have determined that while I may not be able to control my emotions, I can control my mind. I am taking the steps to get my thoughts in order as to gain a strong stance and push past the crud that has become my funk and subsequently taken me from me.

The Edge

I want it back! I want to be the feisty girl again with fire in her eyes. I want to drive that train...effortlessly. No more making decisions out of fear. No more allowing the fear to be this paralyzing force in my life as I am NOT the deer in the headlights. I am NOT willing to give myself up anymore. I'm done tolerating disrespect on any level and my own self worth is now governing my decisions...and it feels good...it feels real. It will take some time but I can feel my thoughts coming together and and the strength that I feel as a result is very empowering.

Staying with my Mom definitely is a surreal reality. I am the Queen B here. I am 'Britta babe' in every sense in their home. My Step Dad Michael insists on making my bed everyday. Nice. He does all of my laundry. Thank you, thank you very much. He is adamant that he cook a big dinner each night. No really. Last night was grilled London broil with fresh green beans cooked in olive oil along with some speciality bread that was TO DIE FOR. Each morning my Mom invites me down stairs and plays dress up with all of her fabulous jewelry. Nothing screams femininity like accessorizing with her expensive taste. Well, if she insists!

They constantly help with the kids and do things like clean out my car and call me 'Dolla'. I feel refreshingly light and its delightful really. They leave the windows open at night so the fresh air is constant and such a small way to keep it simple. I am a lucky girl and very well loved! Right now I am going to allow it and en joy it until my footing feels more sure. On the 1st of July the children and I will be moving back into our home in WJ and life will normalize and I really am looking forward to it. At that point in time I will be working full time from home after a two week vacation from the office.

On the B Side: Life is good and I am taking the reins again. I don't want to feel so uncertain and I'm squashing the fear in me. This is a slow win but I assure you that I WILL win. Today my song is by Scissor Sisters. 'Filthy Gorgeous' is propelling me to get my Britta on and it totally makes me laugh. The edge...that 'je ne sais quoi' will be mine once more!!!

Is this OJ Concentrated?

It comes fast when the rush hits. It happens frequently and though I know the triggers vary, the rush is very real and always catches me off guard. I can FEEL it and it consumes me quickly like a wave knocking me off of my feet while standing on unsturdy ground in the sand. The rush of emotion enveloped me today and there is no way to stop it, push it away or even ignore it. I hate when it happens in public. My chest pounds and throat gets painfully tight. I can hear my heart beating and I can feel the pulsations from my heart in my neck. My eyes well up passed the brimming point and the tears fall uncontrollably.

This isn't about anxiety and it's not any kind of attack. It is a rush of sheer, pure undiluted emotion that overwhelms me and is tangible throughout its duration. It passes quickly and my mind remains oddly very clear during this time. I am able to function...I just can't control it. There is no sobbing or dramatics. It's just a wave of intense emotion that leaves me in a pile of tears, completely exhausted and feeling hopeless. The residual is the part that I hate the most. What is wrong with me? Why does life feel so overwhelming and crushing during some moments?

On the B Side: Again, I am happy...elated not to be numb but desire balance and control. The song 'As the Rush Comes' by Motorcycle speaks volumes to me today.

Dark Chocolate

There are few things that I love in this world more than the bitter sweet crunch of dark chocolate. While spending time in Belgium, I grew a rather snobbish affinity for the really good stuff. At this point in my life am I really relying on the bitter sweet wanna be goodness of semi sweet chocolate chips from the grocery store simply because Leonida's is so far out of my reach?? This is a journey, my journey and I have not lost my taste or longing for the good things in this life.

My life does feel rather full of extremes now so the dark chocolate analogy fits in rather quaintly and feels appropo. The whole bitter sweet deal along with the really amazing stuff that I have tasted in the past compared to the simplicity that I now live and *try* to enjoy despite my longing for what I once knew (and no, I told you...I don't keep that stuff under my pillow anymore and I'm sticking to my guns!!).

My emotions are something that even make me marvel...and not necessarily in a good way. They are extremely raw and at the surface...or buried deep down allowing me to be disconnected and pain free. I'm sure it's a coping mechanism on some level and right now I don't mind. I don't want to be numb and I love to feel...it's just that some times it feels overwhelming. There doesn't seem to be much moderation and I'm sure if you have spent any time with me at all you have noticed this in me. Work in progress, right here.

So if my bitter sweet crunch has impacted you in some way, I do apologize. I'm working on being more aware of how I feel, what I am feeling, the triggers and causes behind it all and moderating it all within myself. My key words lately at work and home are preparation, precision and polish. I repeat them to myself everyday many times throughout the day. Just call me Rain Man.

I feel so much better and so closer to the essence of Britta when I have planned ahead even on a simple level and am prepared. For a long time now I have frozen myself with fear. I haven't wanted to plan ahead or commit. I've been scared to fail or do things wrong or make a mess and so I have avoided really preparing and denied the boy scout in me who once was always prepared! This seems like it should be easy but Mark will tell you what a huge boon this has become for me. I'm ready to tackle the indecision and slowly climb down from my fences...one day at a time and one fence at a time.

I am done settling. I want precision and if it isn't what I want, then I don't want it and I hope that doesn't make me a snob but rather a girl filtering out the noise. I want to be done feeling bad about the choices I don't make. I once was a girl who was willing to make choices, make things right, get exactly what she wanted because it was important and not compromise. I kind of like that girl and her strong will so I'm working on making nice with her again and not feeling bad about it. There are things in this life that I do want and I'm ready to start chasing them down.

Polish...the sparkly shiny goodness in life. I'm talking about the Laffy Taffy with the the red glitter sprinkles on it here people...I don't want the plain stuff anymore. I've never been a plain kind of girly. I want the essence along with all the quirks and nuances that make me, me back. It's about capitalizing on who I am and embracing it rather than feeling bad. I feel like I use to sparkle and shine as an individual in my own Britta way and I really want that back. This one is going to take some time but should come easy once I get my heart and my mind in sync and in the right place. Congruence.

On the B Side: While my thoughts are random and streaming, it is huge that I am getting them out there and at least providing some clarity to myself. I am trying to embrace the bitter sweet crunch that each day brings, recognize and appreciate things for what they are, learn from it all and move forward. I'm a Leonida's girl at heart and I'm done settling for good-enough-right-now! Done and done.

Far

Why is it so easy to get far from one's self? The time passes so quickly and you find yourself doing the things you have to do and then the remaining time is at a premium. So little is left to do what you want to do and really unless you REALLY want to do something and schedule to do it ahead of time, let's face it...you probably aren't going to do it.

Life isn't supposed to just happen. It's meant to be lived, loved and enjoyed. There are all kinds of moments and lately the ones that seem to make you grow the most are stacking up against me. I find myself struggling with things I didn't deem hard in the past. I find myself going through the motions but not really gaining any ground. Disconnected.

In the mix of it all I got lost. It's like I was on auto pilot...doing the things that I had to do but not really taking time to think. I feel like I haven't taken time to stop, look around and think ahead. Planning and preparation were born out of necessity and exhausted on simple tasks related to daily needs.

I don't need to be Super Mom. I don't want to be Utah Mom. I just want to be able to love, care, nurture and protect my children. I want to be an example and teach them about the things that matter most. Some how I have to fit a full time job in there along with a titch of sleep and maybe even soms down time. I have no idea how people do this but I am hell bent determined to figure it out...just not tonight.

On the B Side: The journey of one thousand steps starts with the first step. That first step is now behind me along with a couple of others. Slow and steady will be my pace and I promise that I will quit complaining...that's the next step!

Laundry Basket Relocation

Today I am relocating the laundry basket filled with my life. My life fits neatly in the laundry basket though pieces of it remain at home with Mark, scattered at my Mom's and all over the inside of my tank. I really do feel homeless...oh wait, I am.

I've been house/pet sitting for a good friend and am now headed back to my Mom's. While I typically do not have a problem being alone, the time and space to myself this time around has not been good for my head. I've had way too much time to think, re-think, evaluate, re-evaluate and get lost in my own life. It has been nice to be so close to my kids. It's already June 16th which means that two weeks from today the tenants are scheduled to vacate our property and two weeks from tomorrow the children and I will clean our little hearts out and prepare to stabilize our life once more.

I got my nails done yesterday in an effort to make myself feel better...didn't really work but I have given up trying to eat my emotions (me and the chocolate chips really did break up). Tonight I have the kids and I'm excited to spend time with them. I have two surprise parties to attend this weekend, so that will be fun and hopefully keep me busy. Again, I just want the time to pass quickly this week.

On the B Side: At some point I will have to quit wishing time away. As for now I am restless and don't feel too bad about it!

Leave Your Baggage at the Door

If only it were that easy, right? Today seemed like a good day. I thought I was coping. It's sad that a few meaningless events can so quickly alter my mood. I thought of my Wih tonight and cried knowing she lives so far away. No matter how I try to push it all away, there are just times when the emotions are overwhelming and I feel small. Tonight I feel lost in my own world and uncomfortable in my own skin. While I can think myself through it mentally, I can't seem to push myself past it emotionally. Dang, just when I had finally stopped sleeping with the chocolate chips under my pillow, too!!!!

On the B Side: I know that we all struggle and I do know that this will pass. Between now and then though feels eternal and my mind is not spotless.

I said SHUSH girl!

There are three girls in our family *myself not included* that chatter endlessly. There are rare moments of silence through the giggles and nonsense. 3Oh3! sings a song called, 'Don't Trust Me' and it's been hitting the air waves rather frequently as of late. There are time when I want to bust out these lyrics on our little chatty patties but as a mother desperately seeking to set an example, I wouldn't pull such a stunt. They can talk their little hearts out all they want!

Unfortunately the kids have caught the lyrics in this song;

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller
And talk with your hips

Ellie has commented that the boy singing this song is naughty and should not be 'shushing' anybody! That's my girl!!!! Kayla on the other hand has inadvertently replaced 'Helen Keller' with 'Hokey Pokey' and it's pretty giggle inducing!

At any rate, it's made me much more mindful of what is playing in the car. They do pick up everything and they do process it...no matter how much they are chattering away at the time. They don't miss a beat and it's a strong reminder how how I want to live my life...so that theirs is the best it can be.

On the B Side: Ellie can bust through The Yeah Yeah Yeah's 'Zero' anytime she wants! She's got all the lyrics down and that is our theme for the summer. Thanks Shell! xoxo