Thursday, June 18, 2009

Is this OJ Concentrated?

It comes fast when the rush hits. It happens frequently and though I know the triggers vary, the rush is very real and always catches me off guard. I can FEEL it and it consumes me quickly like a wave knocking me off of my feet while standing on unsturdy ground in the sand. The rush of emotion enveloped me today and there is no way to stop it, push it away or even ignore it. I hate when it happens in public. My chest pounds and throat gets painfully tight. I can hear my heart beating and I can feel the pulsations from my heart in my neck. My eyes well up passed the brimming point and the tears fall uncontrollably.

This isn't about anxiety and it's not any kind of attack. It is a rush of sheer, pure undiluted emotion that overwhelms me and is tangible throughout its duration. It passes quickly and my mind remains oddly very clear during this time. I am able to function...I just can't control it. There is no sobbing or dramatics. It's just a wave of intense emotion that leaves me in a pile of tears, completely exhausted and feeling hopeless. The residual is the part that I hate the most. What is wrong with me? Why does life feel so overwhelming and crushing during some moments?

On the B Side: Again, I am happy...elated not to be numb but desire balance and control. The song 'As the Rush Comes' by Motorcycle speaks volumes to me today.

1 shout outs:

Clancy Pants said...

Soak in those emotions. Feel them so deeply that they nearly wash you away. As they ebb they will carry away the 'grime' and leave a shiny new Britta, sparkling in her own sunshine... a Britta that is washed clean like the earth after a storm.

I love you.