Friday, May 16, 2008

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

No Crash Test Dummies here and and had nothing to do with the church floor; however, Dayton did lurch all over this morning. Sadly enough he woke up this morning with a tummy ache that I took pretty seriously given the tears in his eyes. I gave him so Pepto and popped him in the tub. He insisted he didn't need to go potty, that he didn't feel like throwing up, that he wasn't hungry and he curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor with a blanket. For safety measure I put a little tupperware bowl near him and grabbed a towel.

Ellie woke and we fumbled through our morning routines and migrated down stairs. Dayton asked Marky to carry him. He was gray in color and seemed pretty weak. The mistake we made was NOT to take the bowl and the towel with us. While we were down stairs Dayton spoke up and said he was going to throw up. Why I didn't move faster is beyond me. I did hop upstairs but the bowl had been moved so I was scrouning for another and went back down stairs only to find Dayton, the couch, his pillow and his blanket covered. Poor baby!

I got him cleaned up, carried the linens upstairs and he seemed to feel better but still didn't want to eat. The good knows is that his lurching settled the debate about whether or not he should go to school! Now he's snuggled up on the couch complete with Propel, lots of towels under him, a bowl and some Nilla wafers that he has slowly started to munch on. Ellie is content to make a Strawberry Shortcake bracelet and with a little luck the rest of us will remain healthy!

Fortunately it is Friday and the weekend is upon us. He is also doing amazing with his CPAP and that makes life much easier except for the part where I get up 4 times a night to check on the little guy! Lucky for me my dumb pregnant/diatbetic bladder serves as a natural alarm clock (is that really lucky???)

On the B Side: I am so fortunate to be able to work remotely. I do not know how I would be Mom without the flexability that my job allows!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Week 30

Okay Baby Cakes, I admit. You win. UNCLE. My first two pregnancies were easy, breezy, beautiful and I really enjoyed them for the most part. This time around, you are kicking my butt, which is no easy task given that it has it's own zip code these days. Is it because I'm older? Is it because I weigh more? Is it because my body is worn out? Maybe it's because WE have gestational DIABETES. I wish I could say that it will all be okay, but today I am angry so in order for me to really feel what I am saying it will have to wait. I'll start on that list of things I'm grateful for later today after the hospital.

I feel like I've paid my dues and just really want my body to work. Aside from the fact that I've had considerable health issues I would do anything to spare my children, especially a young, tender unborn child. The stress of helping Dayton through his issues has taken it's toll. The stress of our housing situation is also overwhelming so I just don't feel like myself and I definitely don't feel up to all of this. I remind myself that tomorrow is yet another day and I can bounce back then but today it just isn't in me at this moment. I don't want to hear anything about the sun coming out tomorrow right now either.

So your permanent teeth are in girl and you can open and close your eye lids. You are very responsive to what's going on outside of your little world and I'm pretty sure you are determined not to let me sleep (not that any position is really comfy anyway!). You weigh 3 pounds (maybe more given the diabetes) and are 15.5 inches long. You can suck your thumb and your lungs would be capable of breathing should they have to do so at this point but let's not go there just yet, okay?

At this point I am constantly tired and have next to no energy. Pretty soon we'll be onto the next chapter in life and can put this all behind us. Hopefully you are feeling much better than I am these days! I know, I know, time for me to buck up.

On the B Side: I am greatful that I don't always have to put on a sunshiny face. It's easy to 'fake it until you make it' some times but I really do prefer reality. I also realize that there are much worse things in this world. Right now this is MY reality and it is hard for ME.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Reader's Digest Version

My parents raised my brother and I in such a manner that college was the next natural step for each of us immediately following high school. I primarily dreamed of having an illustrious career. At some point I figured I would become a working Mother and have a family but it was secondary. When my parents separated when I was 17 my ideas felt challenged and I thought about what was really important and what I really wanted. Unfortunately this was also about the time I began noticing some changes in my body which were unbeknownst to me symptomatic of a brain tumor.

I found the LDS church and marveled at the idea of 'time and all eternity'. If it was true and if it was possible I was going to find out for myself. I wanted that and was driven to take the steps to find out for myself and make it mine if it realy was out there. My parents proceeded with their divorce (which ultimately took many, many years) and I proceeded to learn about the church. I studied, asked questions and was determined to find truth for myself.

Fast forward through my first year at Penn State, my baptism, my endowment and my mission. I was attending PSU again and was somewhat ill. I was finally diagnosed with a prolactinoma, a benign pituitary adenoma. Fast forward again, I am married and my idea of Motherhood had begun to change dramatically. My paradigm was shifting.

I couldn't wait to be a Mom, have a family and really wasn't as interested in being the powerful career woman I had previously dreamed of. The issue that faced me from the point of diagnosis was that I would never be able to have children of my own. I had accepted that and hoped to adopt at some point. I continued to work full time, go to school full time, do my best to hit the deans list and continued to aspire for professional success.

Out of the blue I had some more health problems that were determined to be a miscarriage. Whatever, I dismissed it. Days later after more issues I was told that I was pregnant, which I insisted was not accurate given my condition. It was determined that I had been carrying twins, lost one and still was carrying the other. At this point I was 14 weeks along and it was December 18th 2000. I will not soon forget that day.

Dayton was a miracle baby on all counts. He came into our lives and completely changed my thoughts, hopes and dreams. Motherhood was far more wonderful than I could have ever imagined and the love I felt was not something anyone could explained to me prior to his triumphant arrival. Against all odds this little tiny person came into this world and brought so much joy. No longer did I aspire to be a dazzling career woman. This little angel was at the very center of my existence.

Going back to work tore at my heart. More than anything I tried to remember the blessing he was and tried not to focus on what wasn't. I continued to push through school and worked 40+ hours a week. Dayton was this amazing little guy who blessed and continues to bless our lives in countless ways. I cannot imagine my sojourn here on this earth without him.

When Dayton was 8 months old I found out that I was again 14 weeks along...which again left the doctors scratching their heads insisting that it just wasn't possible. This day was April 1, 2003 and is yet another date that will long be held in my heart. The doctor's words were 'not only are you pregnant but you're really pregnant'. It felt unreal and of course nobody wanted to believe it given my health and the timing considering it was April Fool's Day!

It was true. It was exciting. It was unreal. Most of all, it was wonderful. Ellianne graced our lives 14.5 months after Dayton's arrival and again changed our lives forever! I had no idea how I was going to love another little person as much as I loved DD Cakes; however, it happened just as naturally as it had the first time. It was wonderful all over again again made me fall even more in love. Ellie is not only another miracle but another amazing and very loved blessing in our lives. She is a perfect compliment to her brother and again a blessing I could not live without.

It's satisfying, it's challenging, it's humbling and it's rewarding in a way that words cannot accurately describe. It's wonderful. It's overwhelming. It causes you to reach deep inside and grow in a way that brings joy and heart ache. It's unlike anything that I have ever known and nobody on this green earth could have ever prepared me for it or explained it to me before I actually experienced it. Having not only one but TWO miracle babies was more than I could ever have hoped for in this life.

Dayton and Ellie are my greatest source of, lose or draw. Through them I have seen the world around me much more differently. Because of them I have learned much that I would not have learned other wise. In them I have my greatest joy. My greatest weaknesses have been exposed and my strengths have also come to light. It's this amazing experience that I completely under estimated in the hopeful pursuit of what I deemed 'success'.

My purpose in this world is not to be a strong career woman but to serve as a Mother. While it took many years I know that I was ultimately prepared and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have the distinct pleasure and the privilege to love, nurture, teach, guide, sometimes endure and always enjoy two very sweet little spirits in this life. The calling of 'Mom' is by far the best that I will ever know even on the craziest of days!

On the B Side: I am beyond grateful for the presence and the people that Dayton and Elianne are in my life. They are my greatest teachers and cause my heart to fill and grow with unbounded love each moment!