Friday, June 19, 2009

The Edge

I want it back! I want to be the feisty girl again with fire in her eyes. I want to drive that train...effortlessly. No more making decisions out of fear. No more allowing the fear to be this paralyzing force in my life as I am NOT the deer in the headlights. I am NOT willing to give myself up anymore. I'm done tolerating disrespect on any level and my own self worth is now governing my decisions...and it feels good...it feels real. It will take some time but I can feel my thoughts coming together and and the strength that I feel as a result is very empowering.

Staying with my Mom definitely is a surreal reality. I am the Queen B here. I am 'Britta babe' in every sense in their home. My Step Dad Michael insists on making my bed everyday. Nice. He does all of my laundry. Thank you, thank you very much. He is adamant that he cook a big dinner each night. No really. Last night was grilled London broil with fresh green beans cooked in olive oil along with some speciality bread that was TO DIE FOR. Each morning my Mom invites me down stairs and plays dress up with all of her fabulous jewelry. Nothing screams femininity like accessorizing with her expensive taste. Well, if she insists!

They constantly help with the kids and do things like clean out my car and call me 'Dolla'. I feel refreshingly light and its delightful really. They leave the windows open at night so the fresh air is constant and such a small way to keep it simple. I am a lucky girl and very well loved! Right now I am going to allow it and en joy it until my footing feels more sure. On the 1st of July the children and I will be moving back into our home in WJ and life will normalize and I really am looking forward to it. At that point in time I will be working full time from home after a two week vacation from the office.

On the B Side: Life is good and I am taking the reins again. I don't want to feel so uncertain and I'm squashing the fear in me. This is a slow win but I assure you that I WILL win. Today my song is by Scissor Sisters. 'Filthy Gorgeous' is propelling me to get my Britta on and it totally makes me laugh. The edge...that 'je ne sais quoi' will be mine once more!!!

5 shout outs:

Rebecca said...

congrats babe! It's wonderful you have a sancuary with your loving parents to pamper you :) They're sweet.
PS I relate to "I'm done tolerating disrespect on any level and my own self worth is now governing my decisions...and it feels good...it feels real. It will take some time but I can feel my thoughts coming together and and the strength that I feel as a result is very empowering." We simply deserve it all :)

Rebecca said...

when you need a giggle think of the story I told you about sweatheart - yes sweat not sweet. I think I told you the story where in high school I use to write love letters to my (what became my fiance) and use to call him sweatheart until one day he pointed out (kind heartedly of course) I was misspelling it and didnt realize - how funny is that :) sweatheart - still makes my laugh to this day and yes Im laughing right now :)

Rebecca said...

BTW still no phone call from my baby - oh well, right? :)

...and I tried to deactivate my blogs, but it's not letting me do that anymore - I may have to create a new one. Got lots of fun new recipes to try and trips to pics to take

Clancy Pants said...

Dang, girl! You are ROCKIN' this dig-down, dirt-in-your-fingernails, feelin'-each-feeling WORLD!!

I love you and I smile from ear to ear at each post. Even the hard ones, because damn it, Britta!, you're going to WIN!

Krystal the Pistol said...

*Woot woot!!!* You go girl!!! Hey I'm gonna be in Utah from the 3rd to the 9th. Staying in Daybreak actually. Do you need any help unpacking? I hope I can see you while I'm there!!!
<3 Pear Berry