Sunday, July 5, 2009

Keep Her

This whole process of change is so uncomfortable. In it, I have been able to do quite a bit of thinking and while the dust is far from settled I am slowly piecing my thoughts, experiences and ideas together. I've decided that I DON'T WANT HER BACK. Keep her.

Some times I think it is easy to look back longingly on what much that you end up thinking that it was so much greater than the here and now. While I was studying for my Masters at the UoU (that I WILL some day finish) there was a theory we dissected and I can't for the life of me remember what it was called but in a rumbly stumbly nut shell it is this;

When someone dies, it is easy to glorify them. It's human nature to take the best elements of who they were and make them even greater in our minds. We look back lovingly. People and things seem so big and so wonderful from this perspective. While this is a nice way of remembering someone or something, it isn't necessarily an honest or realistic portrayal. There is good and bad everywhere and it's easy to look back and unknowingly remember the good (and make it so much bigger) without recalling much or any of the bad...or how it felt.

I'm expanding on this theory (though it won't get me that degree just yet) The fact of the matter is that whatever has happened to you and whoever you are now is a culmination of the past. In the midst of my struggles I have looked back upon times in my life that seemed peaceful, stress-free and generally just happy-feel-good-times. The fact of the matter is that those times and circumstances existed but I was never free from trial. There were always challenges and there always will be. Nobody and no time period is exempt from struggle. It's part of learning and's called life. Why is it so easy to see the good and forget the bad?

Perhaps it is a coping mechanism because it feels safe or perhaps it offers some kind of hope during difficult times. I don't have the answers but in the course of my thinking I have decided that I want to take the parts of my Britta that I love and I want to build upon them...but I'm not looking to being the person I was or thought I was any more. I want an evolved, bigger, better, stronger Britta going forward. It's a process and I welcome the evolution...mostly!

On the B Side: I have an entire day to myself. I am loving the sunshine and only wish I could be in it. I am enjoying having all of the windows open allowing the natural light and cool breeze to grace me as I slowly get HOME. So yeah, who ever she was...I hope she was good to you but you can keep her. Prepare yourself because this Britta is slowly coming into her power (thanks Pants...I do so love you!) Watch it!!

8 shout outs:

Lois Grebowski said...

Hon, you're going through those very same stages of grief folks do when someone dies. It's death of an old way of life and birth of a new one.

Embrace teh new adventure, see the new and exciting with the wide-eyed optimism of a child, and learn to love the new...

I promise, you will get there. Hugs!

brits said...

Could you be anymore amazing? I mean really. You have no idea how much I appreciate your encouragement. Thank you, thank you so much more than you know!!! xoxo

John Boy said...

I absolutely agree with Lois. Any major loss that we suffer requires us to take time to grieve, to work through the experience. There are generally 5 stages:
The more significant the loss, the more time needed to heal. It's a process, and you can't rush it. Time is truly a great healer of our heart.
Every crisis presents us with the opportunity/necessity to embrace change. It is up to us to be willing to step up to the next door when we are strong enough, to open it, and behold what the Lord has offered to us. It will be beautiful!
I love you, sweetheart!

brits said...

Dad, You are the best. I love the therapist in you. That combined with the Dad factor pretty much makes you Mr. Wonderful though I won't be singing your song to you any time soon...too busy eating my Leonida's!!!! Love, love, LOVE you! <3<3<3

Kristin said...

That's a fabulous post... such a great point. Your dad sounds awesome! I'm so glad you are surrounded by so many amazing people. I love you tons! Let's enjoy the journey!!!

The Krystal said...

Now THAT is the Britta I remember! Strong and brilliant as hell. You will get your masters because you will stop at nothing less.

brits said...

KRYSTAL! I've missed you...

JennJam said...

Grief is usally about not only what we lost, but what we hoped to gain, which now won't be realized.

Whatever paths you were on 1-2 years ago, let's say . . . you had plans for your life THEN. Where you were headed, not only with whom, but also 'the destination.'

So, now, you find yourself probably not only grieving the loss of what you knew/your reality, but also where you envisioned that you'd be/end up.

I love the words I hear you saying . . . I never met 'that' Britta, anyway . . . but I can't WAIT to meet this one.