Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dark Chocolate

There are few things that I love in this world more than the bitter sweet crunch of dark chocolate. While spending time in Belgium, I grew a rather snobbish affinity for the really good stuff. At this point in my life am I really relying on the bitter sweet wanna be goodness of semi sweet chocolate chips from the grocery store simply because Leonida's is so far out of my reach?? This is a journey, my journey and I have not lost my taste or longing for the good things in this life.

My life does feel rather full of extremes now so the dark chocolate analogy fits in rather quaintly and feels appropo. The whole bitter sweet deal along with the really amazing stuff that I have tasted in the past compared to the simplicity that I now live and *try* to enjoy despite my longing for what I once knew (and no, I told you...I don't keep that stuff under my pillow anymore and I'm sticking to my guns!!).

My emotions are something that even make me marvel...and not necessarily in a good way. They are extremely raw and at the surface...or buried deep down allowing me to be disconnected and pain free. I'm sure it's a coping mechanism on some level and right now I don't mind. I don't want to be numb and I love to feel...it's just that some times it feels overwhelming. There doesn't seem to be much moderation and I'm sure if you have spent any time with me at all you have noticed this in me. Work in progress, right here.

So if my bitter sweet crunch has impacted you in some way, I do apologize. I'm working on being more aware of how I feel, what I am feeling, the triggers and causes behind it all and moderating it all within myself. My key words lately at work and home are preparation, precision and polish. I repeat them to myself everyday many times throughout the day. Just call me Rain Man.

I feel so much better and so closer to the essence of Britta when I have planned ahead even on a simple level and am prepared. For a long time now I have frozen myself with fear. I haven't wanted to plan ahead or commit. I've been scared to fail or do things wrong or make a mess and so I have avoided really preparing and denied the boy scout in me who once was always prepared! This seems like it should be easy but Mark will tell you what a huge boon this has become for me. I'm ready to tackle the indecision and slowly climb down from my fences...one day at a time and one fence at a time.

I am done settling. I want precision and if it isn't what I want, then I don't want it and I hope that doesn't make me a snob but rather a girl filtering out the noise. I want to be done feeling bad about the choices I don't make. I once was a girl who was willing to make choices, make things right, get exactly what she wanted because it was important and not compromise. I kind of like that girl and her strong will so I'm working on making nice with her again and not feeling bad about it. There are things in this life that I do want and I'm ready to start chasing them down.

Polish...the sparkly shiny goodness in life. I'm talking about the Laffy Taffy with the the red glitter sprinkles on it here people...I don't want the plain stuff anymore. I've never been a plain kind of girly. I want the essence along with all the quirks and nuances that make me, me back. It's about capitalizing on who I am and embracing it rather than feeling bad. I feel like I use to sparkle and shine as an individual in my own Britta way and I really want that back. This one is going to take some time but should come easy once I get my heart and my mind in sync and in the right place. Congruence.

On the B Side: While my thoughts are random and streaming, it is huge that I am getting them out there and at least providing some clarity to myself. I am trying to embrace the bitter sweet crunch that each day brings, recognize and appreciate things for what they are, learn from it all and move forward. I'm a Leonida's girl at heart and I'm done settling for good-enough-right-now! Done and done.

5 shout outs:

Clancy Pants said...

HUGE!!! This is huge and I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude for the process you're going through. Especially putting it out there and thinking things through and feeling things thoroughly. You are amazing and I can't wait to watch you unfold.

I love you more than you know.

Mic and Jazzy said...

LOVE your new blog format. You are very fancy. I'm so glad you are getting your sparkly-shiny-Britta back.

Ivanhoe said...

You are quite a writer, Brits. Keep going :o)

triplej said...

Very beautiful ...keep it up...get it out and write on Sista!

Kristin said...

Love it! This is awesome! I think it's amazing you are getting it out there... I, too, love the new blog format. I wish I were more like you and getting it out there. Maybe I'll have a moment when I feel like writing it down. For now, though, I'll just enjoy your words because, frankly, they're beautiful.

Love you!