Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Reader's Digest Version

My parents raised my brother and I in such a manner that college was the next natural step for each of us immediately following high school. I primarily dreamed of having an illustrious career. At some point I figured I would become a working Mother and have a family but it was secondary. When my parents separated when I was 17 my ideas felt challenged and I thought about what was really important and what I really wanted. Unfortunately this was also about the time I began noticing some changes in my body which were unbeknownst to me symptomatic of a brain tumor.

I found the LDS church and marveled at the idea of 'time and all eternity'. If it was true and if it was possible I was going to find out for myself. I wanted that and was driven to take the steps to find out for myself and make it mine if it realy was out there. My parents proceeded with their divorce (which ultimately took many, many years) and I proceeded to learn about the church. I studied, asked questions and was determined to find truth for myself.

Fast forward through my first year at Penn State, my baptism, my endowment and my mission. I was attending PSU again and was somewhat ill. I was finally diagnosed with a prolactinoma, a benign pituitary adenoma. Fast forward again, I am married and my idea of Motherhood had begun to change dramatically. My paradigm was shifting.

I couldn't wait to be a Mom, have a family and really wasn't as interested in being the powerful career woman I had previously dreamed of. The issue that faced me from the point of diagnosis was that I would never be able to have children of my own. I had accepted that and hoped to adopt at some point. I continued to work full time, go to school full time, do my best to hit the deans list and continued to aspire for professional success.

Out of the blue I had some more health problems that were determined to be a miscarriage. Whatever, I dismissed it. Days later after more issues I was told that I was pregnant, which I insisted was not accurate given my condition. It was determined that I had been carrying twins, lost one and still was carrying the other. At this point I was 14 weeks along and it was December 18th 2000. I will not soon forget that day.

Dayton was a miracle baby on all counts. He came into our lives and completely changed my thoughts, hopes and dreams. Motherhood was far more wonderful than I could have ever imagined and the love I felt was not something anyone could explained to me prior to his triumphant arrival. Against all odds this little tiny person came into this world and brought so much joy. No longer did I aspire to be a dazzling career woman. This little angel was at the very center of my existence.

Going back to work tore at my heart. More than anything I tried to remember the blessing he was and tried not to focus on what wasn't. I continued to push through school and worked 40+ hours a week. Dayton was this amazing little guy who blessed and continues to bless our lives in countless ways. I cannot imagine my sojourn here on this earth without him.

When Dayton was 8 months old I found out that I was again 14 weeks along...which again left the doctors scratching their heads insisting that it just wasn't possible. This day was April 1, 2003 and is yet another date that will long be held in my heart. The doctor's words were 'not only are you pregnant but you're really pregnant'. It felt unreal and of course nobody wanted to believe it given my health and the timing considering it was April Fool's Day!

It was true. It was exciting. It was unreal. Most of all, it was wonderful. Ellianne graced our lives 14.5 months after Dayton's arrival and again changed our lives forever! I had no idea how I was going to love another little person as much as I loved DD Cakes; however, it happened just as naturally as it had the first time. It was wonderful all over again again made me fall even more in love. Ellie is not only another miracle but another amazing and very loved blessing in our lives. She is a perfect compliment to her brother and again a blessing I could not live without.

It's satisfying, it's challenging, it's humbling and it's rewarding in a way that words cannot accurately describe. It's wonderful. It's overwhelming. It causes you to reach deep inside and grow in a way that brings joy and heart ache. It's unlike anything that I have ever known and nobody on this green earth could have ever prepared me for it or explained it to me before I actually experienced it. Having not only one but TWO miracle babies was more than I could ever have hoped for in this life.

Dayton and Ellie are my greatest source of, lose or draw. Through them I have seen the world around me much more differently. Because of them I have learned much that I would not have learned other wise. In them I have my greatest joy. My greatest weaknesses have been exposed and my strengths have also come to light. It's this amazing experience that I completely under estimated in the hopeful pursuit of what I deemed 'success'.

My purpose in this world is not to be a strong career woman but to serve as a Mother. While it took many years I know that I was ultimately prepared and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have the distinct pleasure and the privilege to love, nurture, teach, guide, sometimes endure and always enjoy two very sweet little spirits in this life. The calling of 'Mom' is by far the best that I will ever know even on the craziest of days!

On the B Side: I am beyond grateful for the presence and the people that Dayton and Elianne are in my life. They are my greatest teachers and cause my heart to fill and grow with unbounded love each moment!

5 shout outs:

Clancy in Idaho said...

You are a writer, girl! That was an absolutely beautiful tribute to motherhood and to your experience, specifically. You are amazing and I think that Dayton and Ellie (and soon to be... Miss Adalie!) are very lucky indeed to have you, who enjoys this role so much, as their mother!


Michelvis said...

Precious post. Made me excited for the day I meet my own children.I think you're a wonderful mother and D&E are full of so much love for you.
I hope you had a great Mothers Day!

The Lingwalls said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cliff and Cynthia: at home, at work, at play said...

How little we know of each other's journeys and how I appreciate getting to know more about yours. Thank you. To me you are one exceptional person and I love you dearly!

btw: thank you for the lovely Mother's Day wish! I hope yours was extra special.

Kristin said...

That was beautiful! Thank you for sharing that history with all of us. It is interesting to get to know more about you. I've been kinda' out of the blogging world recently. I have a hard time writing when I'm tired and I am VERY tired lately. I have too much to do and too little time (I know everyone feels that way). I hope you had a fabulous mother's day. Thank you for your wishes to me.