Manic Monday: Ghost

I have been a blogging ghost for the past two weeks. This is the first break that I have taken since I started blogging diligently well over a year ago. Without going into any great detail it's no secret to some that I have been battling myself in one rather serious case of post partum. While I was determined to be 'normal', manage myself/my life/my family and deny any inkling of weakness it became more and more obvious to those closest to me. At some point it was necessary that I take inventory internally rather than just hoping it would pass.

Let me be the first to say that Two Scoops is now three months old and I absolutely love her to pieces. She is the sweetest little thing and loved by all. The most common comment that we get just about everywhere we go is along these lines, 'she looks like a little doll'. Her petite features and porcelain skin no doubt contribute to that line of thinking and while I am partial I full heartedly confess that she is beautiful and really does look like a little doll!

Prior to my struggles I always thought post partum had to do with not liking your baby and/or not wanting to be a Mother. I thought it meant that you were depressed all of the time and just couldn't function or didn't want to live. I know now just how off base I really was and I can assure you that if you have not experienced it, you have no idea. It really is a quiet but crazy, roller coaster of an intangible battle that is so loud in my own head.

It's an internal war that is waging and much of the time I am able to fully and completely mask it to others. In reality my emotions are at the surface and quite volatile. I feel impatient and I feel just plain sad. I feel like I am failing and I feel so painfully inadequate. I cry more than I would like to admit and some times for no apparent reason. The difficult part is that I FEEL so much and while I can talk myself through it that doesn't make me any better able to FEEL better. It is an entirely new struggle for me unlike any waters that I have previously navigated.

I have tried to minimize this in my mind thinking it's because we moved (again) or because I'm sleep devprived or because we have 4 kids or because I work full time or because I'm older now or because our life is full of drama but those are actually constants for me. I seek no sympathy. I feel a sense of relief acknowledging it and thank those who have patiently stood by me during a time when I am so much less than myself. I am going back to the doctor again this week and really want to do my best to not be a ghost in my own life!

On the B Side: Despite how I feel on the inside the world around me keeps getting better. We're happy in our new place, everyone is healthy and work has unexpectedly thrown me an incredibly huge and tasty bone that I am not at liberty to talk about just yet. This is my favorite time of year and just as soon as I find the cord for my camera I will upload all kinds of ghostly pictures from our fun month of October! Happy Manic Monday to all!