Monday, October 27, 2008

Manic Monday: Ghost

I have been a blogging ghost for the past two weeks. This is the first break that I have taken since I started blogging diligently well over a year ago. Without going into any great detail it's no secret to some that I have been battling myself in one rather serious case of post partum. While I was determined to be 'normal', manage myself/my life/my family and deny any inkling of weakness it became more and more obvious to those closest to me. At some point it was necessary that I take inventory internally rather than just hoping it would pass.

Let me be the first to say that Two Scoops is now three months old and I absolutely love her to pieces. She is the sweetest little thing and loved by all. The most common comment that we get just about everywhere we go is along these lines, 'she looks like a little doll'. Her petite features and porcelain skin no doubt contribute to that line of thinking and while I am partial I full heartedly confess that she is beautiful and really does look like a little doll!

Prior to my struggles I always thought post partum had to do with not liking your baby and/or not wanting to be a Mother. I thought it meant that you were depressed all of the time and just couldn't function or didn't want to live. I know now just how off base I really was and I can assure you that if you have not experienced it, you have no idea. It really is a quiet but crazy, roller coaster of an intangible battle that is so loud in my own head.

It's an internal war that is waging and much of the time I am able to fully and completely mask it to others. In reality my emotions are at the surface and quite volatile. I feel impatient and I feel just plain sad. I feel like I am failing and I feel so painfully inadequate. I cry more than I would like to admit and some times for no apparent reason. The difficult part is that I FEEL so much and while I can talk myself through it that doesn't make me any better able to FEEL better. It is an entirely new struggle for me unlike any waters that I have previously navigated.

I have tried to minimize this in my mind thinking it's because we moved (again) or because I'm sleep devprived or because we have 4 kids or because I work full time or because I'm older now or because our life is full of drama but those are actually constants for me. I seek no sympathy. I feel a sense of relief acknowledging it and thank those who have patiently stood by me during a time when I am so much less than myself. I am going back to the doctor again this week and really want to do my best to not be a ghost in my own life!

On the B Side: Despite how I feel on the inside the world around me keeps getting better. We're happy in our new place, everyone is healthy and work has unexpectedly thrown me an incredibly huge and tasty bone that I am not at liberty to talk about just yet. This is my favorite time of year and just as soon as I find the cord for my camera I will upload all kinds of ghostly pictures from our fun month of October! Happy Manic Monday to all!

15 shout outs:

Clancy in Idaho said...

This is one of those posts that I, truthfully, wouldn't have said to be easy on yourself. You are just acknowledging the results of being postpartum.

I am sorry that you're going through it, my dear one! My little sister went through it with her last baby and it's a tough thing to watch, let alone experience. I do love you, my dear. You've been on my mind a lot and I've been telling D I really needed to call you. Now I know why! :)

Love you and call me if you need a chit chat.

Kaci said...

I'm sorry Britta! I offer lots of cyber XOXOX!! Feel better!

Ivanhoe said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I'm glad you are getting help though :o)

lizzo said...

I am glad you are on the road to feeling better and I wish you an easy recovery.

Thanks for posting and giving me something to do.

Linda said...

Thankfully you were able to acknowledge that there definitely was something more wrong than just a feeling of unease or of 'not feeling right'. Post-partum depression is a sneaky thing and can be quite difficult to deal with, especially if you don't know that you're dealing with it.

I think our bodies can only go through so many hormonal changes before something has to give and when you add on the 'rest' of life, eventually something's gotta give.

Hang in there - I'm sure you'll be feeling like your old self soon and in the meantime, just take each day as it comes!

Oh, and I actually DIDN'T do a post on "Twilight" this week!

Lois Grebowski said...

Hugs on the PPD.

also known as shell said...

I thought post partum was like that too. I went through it too and didn't even realize it. I would get really impatient and frustrated and just want to throw things or yell really loud. It was weird. I am glad that you are going to the dr's this week and that they'll be able to help you out.

one thing is for sure that no matter what you are a great person bv

Girly Stuff said...

I am glad you gave the post-partum the credit it deserves. When I went through it I actually felt a little better when I could label it. I guess I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Post partum ALWAYS has an end! That is comfort in and of itself!

I'll be praying for you to FEEL better at least once during the day!

Polly said...

So many of your words...the conflict, the inadequecy...ring true to me. I'm not sure if someone can understand depression, or post-partum anything...all the confusion and agony, until they've experienced on their own. Kudos to you for recognizing it and visiting with your doctor about it.
Check out my post... somedays I might feel like leaving it at the top "stanza" but other more normal days, I embrace the second one.

I wish a wonderful happy day to you!

Jamie said...

Be kind to yourself and don't listen to any of the "just get over it" noises. This is real and just being aware is the beginning of the way back. You have a beautiful new baby and it sounds as if the family is understanding, so be patient with you as you would with a close friend who had a similar problem. Good luck with the work situation.

Amanda said...

Depression is hard and until you experience you have no idea what others are going through. I understand. Let me know if you need anything. Even if it's a sitter so that you can sleep an extra few hours (that's what I seem to want most when I am down). Love you & hope you are coming on our next girls night out! November 6

Laura said...

hey Britta. I can't remember if I've posted a comment before but just in case I haven't, I love your blog! Found it from Clancy's. Sorry to hear about the PPD. I'm sure you'll get through it ;) You're in my prayers too :)

Angela said...

I am so sorry to hear about your postpartum. Depression is such a hard road to go down. I have witnessed it in many others, including myself after Gabby was born. Hang in there. It gets better each day. And acknowledging it is a really big step forward. I am glad you are going to the doctor and hope they can help you. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Lots of love!!

Kristin said...

I just logged onto IM in hopes of finding you there. We should get together. I think your post partum is worse than mine. I'm just a baby! However, it would be nice to spend some time with someone who gets it even better than I do. I hope you get feeling better soon. Call me ANYTIME... I know you have tons of great friends to talk to. I just want you to know that you have one more here.

Mic and Jazzy said...

Britta, I had no idea. I'm so spacey and clueless! I am so sorry that I haven't been more help, been around more to lift your burden. You will be in our prayers, and please let me know how I can help!