Peace Out

Time moves very quickly and life can become chaotic. Between the demands of work, three small children and everything else that hits, it can be a little overwhelming . More than anything at this point in my life, I crave peace. I love the quiet moments that allow me to regroup, gather my thoughts, dump whatever is on my mind that need not be there and just breathe. I am a girl that loves to have a plan and it is after those quiet moments that I quickly create my lists, organize my thoughts and come up with a strategy to make it all work.

Yesterday I walked to the school to meet up with the kids to walk home with them. They were not expecting me and took a different route. Normally, this would have sent me into a blind panic but for whatever reason yesterday, I was at peace. I * felt * peace and it * felt * so good. With that peace came hope. Hope is encouraging. Refreshing. Needed.

The sun was out and was warming my face. The wind was gently blowing my hair and I was HAPPY. Happy to be out and about. Happy to be mobile. Happy to be healthy. Happy to have three really great children. Happy to have a career that I love. Happy to have a home. Happy to have meaningful relationships with friends and family. Happy that I am able to make it all work on my own.

I continued to walk home happy as a clam at high tide. I met the children a block or so from home and I was elated to see their sweet little smiling faces. They add so much depth, meaning and purpose to life and I love them so much. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peace. Hope. Happy. It was all mine! I felt recharged. I felt a renewed energy and was spurred forward.

On the B Side: Words do little justice to what I FELT yesterday. I wanted to bottle it up and save it for another moment in time...a moment when I felt weak and inadequate and unsure how to proceed. We are all faced with those less than pleasant moments. Being able to think above those negative feelings and remember the positive ones is crucial. Oh how I love and cherish those sincerely happy moments that fill your heart with gratitude! Mmm Mmm good <3

WTH?

What is wrong with people? This is such a sad, unnecessary and sensless act. I cannot imagine as a parent allowing this kind of thing to take place. While I do not claim to understand, I do think that it is even more disconcerting that a parent abdicate responsibility. How could one feel faultless??? Bless this poor child's heart.

Both of my parents work in the mental health field and I am often shocked and dumb founded at some of the stories that they relate. I cannot fathom the ill treatment and awful circumstances that children are subjected to so carelessly.

When I was home in PA when Dayton was young I met a young boy who was one of my Father's clients. He was sweet and smiley at the tender age of 6. Now that Dayton is 6 this strikes an even deeper chord in my heart but I digress. I later learned that this boy had been abused in every shape and form of the word. When he was a few months old he was taken from his Mother for neglect. He was found in a crib with burns on his legs from his urine. He was placed with his Father and removed at the age of 18 months after being hospitalized with bruises from a belt all over his little body. He bounced around foster homes and ended up being sexually abused by the only "family" he knew and trusted.

What a crazy series of tradegies that caused a young boy, an innocent young boy so much pain. Imagine being a little person desparately wanting to be loved and learning not to trust anyone bigger than you? I can still see his little face in my mind. He had big blue eyes, blonde hair and he just wanted to be noticed. He peered at us over his hands as he smiled. This was a particularly hard and heart wrenching case for my Father that unfortunately did not end well.

On the B Side: I am so grateful that I was raised in a loving family. I recognize that this is a blessing, not an entitlement and unfortunately not something that everyone has. Reading about this kind of autrocity makes me even more determined to love, protect and nurture my children. It also reminded me of the wonderful people that serve as advocates for these young children. I do not know how my Father does what he does but he has a heart the size of Texas and goes far beyond the call of duty to help those that stand in need.

The Reader's Digest Version

My parents raised my brother and I in such a manner that college was the next natural step for each of us immediately following high school. I primarily dreamed of having an illustrious career. At some point I figured I would become a working Mother and have a family but it was secondary. When my parents separated when I was 17 my ideas felt challenged and I thought about what was really important and what I really wanted. Unfortunately this was also about the time I began noticing some changes in my body which were unbeknownst to me symptomatic of a brain tumor.

I found the LDS church and marveled at the idea of 'time and all eternity'. If it was true and if it was possible I was going to find out for myself. I wanted that and was driven to take the steps to find out for myself and make it mine if it realy was out there. My parents proceeded with their divorce (which ultimately took many, many years) and I proceeded to learn about the church. I studied, asked questions and was determined to find truth for myself.

Fast forward through my first year at Penn State, my baptism, my endowment and my mission. I was attending PSU again and was somewhat ill. I was finally diagnosed with a prolactinoma, a benign pituitary adenoma. Fast forward again, I am married and my idea of Motherhood had begun to change dramatically. My paradigm was shifting.

I couldn't wait to be a Mom, have a family and really wasn't as interested in being the powerful career woman I had previously dreamed of. The issue that faced me from the point of diagnosis was that I would never be able to have children of my own. I had accepted that and hoped to adopt at some point. I continued to work full time, go to school full time, do my best to hit the deans list and continued to aspire for professional success.

Out of the blue I had some more health problems that were determined to be a miscarriage. Whatever, I dismissed it. Days later after more issues I was told that I was pregnant, which I insisted was not accurate given my condition. It was determined that I had been carrying twins, lost one and still was carrying the other. At this point I was 14 weeks along and it was December 18th 2000. I will not soon forget that day.

Dayton was a miracle baby on all counts. He came into our lives and completely changed my thoughts, hopes and dreams. Motherhood was far more wonderful than I could have ever imagined and the love I felt was not something anyone could explained to me prior to his triumphant arrival. Against all odds this little tiny person came into this world and brought so much joy. No longer did I aspire to be a dazzling career woman. This little angel was at the very center of my existence.

Going back to work tore at my heart. More than anything I tried to remember the blessing he was and tried not to focus on what wasn't. I continued to push through school and worked 40+ hours a week. Dayton was this amazing little guy who blessed and continues to bless our lives in countless ways. I cannot imagine my sojourn here on this earth without him.

When Dayton was 8 months old I found out that I was again 14 weeks along...which again left the doctors scratching their heads insisting that it just wasn't possible. This day was April 1, 2003 and is yet another date that will long be held in my heart. The doctor's words were 'not only are you pregnant but you're really pregnant'. It felt unreal and of course nobody wanted to believe it given my health and the timing considering it was April Fool's Day!

It was true. It was exciting. It was unreal. Most of all, it was wonderful. Ellianne graced our lives 14.5 months after Dayton's arrival and again changed our lives forever! I had no idea how I was going to love another little person as much as I loved DD Cakes; however, it happened just as naturally as it had the first time. It was wonderful all over again again made me fall even more in love. Ellie is not only another miracle but another amazing and very loved blessing in our lives. She is a perfect compliment to her brother and again a blessing I could not live without.

It's satisfying, it's challenging, it's humbling and it's rewarding in a way that words cannot accurately describe. It's wonderful. It's overwhelming. It causes you to reach deep inside and grow in a way that brings joy and heart ache. It's unlike anything that I have ever known and nobody on this green earth could have ever prepared me for it or explained it to me before I actually experienced it. Having not only one but TWO miracle babies was more than I could ever have hoped for in this life.

Dayton and Ellie are my greatest source of happiness...win, lose or draw. Through them I have seen the world around me much more differently. Because of them I have learned much that I would not have learned other wise. In them I have my greatest joy. My greatest weaknesses have been exposed and my strengths have also come to light. It's this amazing experience that I completely under estimated in the hopeful pursuit of what I deemed 'success'.

My purpose in this world is not to be a strong career woman but to serve as a Mother. While it took many years I know that I was ultimately prepared and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have the distinct pleasure and the privilege to love, nurture, teach, guide, sometimes endure and always enjoy two very sweet little spirits in this life. The calling of 'Mom' is by far the best that I will ever know even on the craziest of days!

On the B Side: I am beyond grateful for the presence and the people that Dayton and Elianne are in my life. They are my greatest teachers and cause my heart to fill and grow with unbounded love each moment!

Children See. Children Do.

Is it obvious that my children are gone this weekend? Unfortunately Mark isn't feeling well so our date night is centered around relaxation rather than what we had initially planned.

I realize that my thought process may appear random but I associate this video with the last one I posted. Again, an extremely powerful message that makes a very important point whether you are a parent or not.

On the B Side: I am grateful for the many positive influences and examples in this life. President Boyd K. Packer makes an excellent point when he stated, "Remember that trouble attracts attention! We travel the highway with thousands of cars moving in either direction without paying much attention to any of them. But should an accident occur, we notice immediately. If it happens again, we get the false impression that one one can go safely down the road. One accident may make the front page, while a hundred million cars that safely pass are not regarded as worth mentioning." We need to spend more time focusing on the many who travel safely instead of the accidents and by this I mean that I believe it is important to be thankful for the many outstanding examples that are provided for children knowing that there are bad ones out there but they don't have to be the norm.

It's Too Late to Apologize

This is absolutely abhorrent. The woman was charged and arrested for Child Abuse. I saw an interview that she did and could not bring myself to post that part of this story as it is truly disturbing and repugnant at best. The Mother contends that she is a great Mother, that it was not abuse and that she was merely disciplining her child. There is no remorse, no apology...only her subjective and completely warped justification of her actions.

She did admit that if she KNEW that she was being recorded she would not have done it. That SCREAMS that she KNOWS she is wrong but again no admission of guilt or wrong doing only a completely unimaginable absolution of any wrong doing in her own twisted mind. So um back to one of my recent posts about personal accountability...

I was beyond sick to my stomach and that may very well be because I'm certain that was where my heart was watching this. The part of the clip that is not shown here is this 'Mother' stripping her child of her clothes and spraying her down naked because she had soiled herself. Keep in mind that the child is 2.5 years old. Regardless of the child's age, no living being should ever be treated this way under any circumstance. End of story.

This Mother's actions do not constitute parenting. Not only was what she did cruel and abusive but her categorical denial of any wrong doing is astonishing in the worst way. She clearly demonstrates that anyone can bear children but that does NOT make them a parent. I realize that anyone can make mistakes and I believe firmly in the power and necessity of forgiveness. I have compassion for others and truly seek the good in them. All of this being said, this little child deserves so much more in life.

On the B Side: I am relieved that there are people who realize the obvious mistreatment of others, speak up and take action against such horrific treatment of precious little ones. My heart goes out to those on this earth forced to live in any situation involving abuse and I hope that as individuals are we are perceptive enough to recognize any instances where this may be occurring and brave enough to do the right thing for the right reason.

Rain Dance

The kids were absolutely adorable again today! I couldn't wait to pick them up from school and was pleased that they were both in great moods! We got Ellie's glasses fitted and then we came home and made dinner together. They both did a great job cleaning their plates...after all everyone wants to be a member of the clean plate club! ;)

Dayton told me that Miss Kari (his teacher) said she was his girlfriend but he followed up with "but I'm really bored by it"! Ellie told me Miss Kari made the spaghetti with love...not noodles today! She also said she has a boyfriend in her class and also in the Kindergarten class. We'll have to talk about that with her later!! Dayton than sat me down and said, "Let's talk about our day, Mom. You first. What did you do?" We each went through our day and shared various highlights. He even let Ellie have a turn and they each listened attentively to one another and made me proud!

They both hopped in the tub to bathe tonight and apparently Ellie had a very small accident that sent them both scurrying very quickly! The giggles and squeals were more out of excitement than disgust! I on the other hand was not squealing with any kind of delight knowing that I was stuck cleaning and disinfecting the tub. My gag affect is in full swing and gets me EVERYTIME!



To expedite the whole process of getting them clean and into their warm jammies I turned the shower on and Dayton hopped right on in! He generally takes showers and was more than happy to do so to avoid the "germs in the tub". However, Ellie has never taken a shower but asked if she could dance in the shower. We swung a deal that if she washed her hair she could dance all she wanted. Dayton led the way and set the example. Ellie followed in suit and washed her hair flawlessly.



At this point the dancing began! The kids were both giggling and enjoying themselves! While I kept the pictures G Rated I couldn't resist capturing some of their silly smiles!

For prayer tonight it was Ellie's turn and she looked at me squarely in the eyes and said, "It doesn't have to be long, Mom". She proceeded to "bless everyone in the world" and was pretty much done! Dayton agreed with her methodology and commended her after the fact. To top the evening off Ellie asked if she could snuggle with me and Dayton happily joined in for some quiet moments after prayer and before bed!

On the B Side: I love making memories! The kids will often recall the funniest and sometimes the smallest details or things that happened. I love the day to day moments and feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have these two little people in my life!

Snow Day!

Our snow day was not complete without walking thru the neighborhood in the street, catching snow flakes on our tongues, making snow angels AND drinking hot chocolate! Don't ask about the silly vampire teeth...

On the B Side: I love the simplicities in life that we can appreciate together! There was no stress, no squabbling, no agenda and no money spent. We made some fun memories that will not soon be forgotten! Have I mentioned how much I love my children?! I absolutely love spending time with them!!! xoxo